


I Am Not A Robot

by EstherRomanov



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Boy x boy, Discussion of Homosexuality, Drama, F/M, M/M, Marina and the Diamonds, Songfic, discussion of hell, summer of 1988, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 13:49:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8803270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EstherRomanov/pseuds/EstherRomanov
Summary: In the next moments, Liam’s mind became numb. He did not think. He only did what he thought that moment as the right: packing a little of his things and quietly leaving the house at 2am with no one noticing his departure, the first night of the summer vacation.





	

It is a cold, stormy afternoon. The power just went off the house. And after Ellie managed to calm her children down, quieted them from their shrills and poor attempts at scaring themselves with ghost stories, clouted Dan for calling William a ‘fascist’ even though he doesn’t know what it means, gave her young half-sister Beverly a piece of donut; they are now seated comfortably in the living room, surrounding their uncle who has just finished reading Das Capital before said lights went out. 

“Tell us a story,” Michael, the eldest of them at thirteen, nags the man. Immediately the request is followed by a chorus from the rest of the kids of the same content. 

“A story! A story!” Alexis repeats. 

“What about?” the uncle asks with good nature. 

“Something about your youth, or whatever,” Dan answers. 

The uncle does not think he has a lot to tell about his youth. Those days were not that special. There is one event however, that he is sure is worth telling. But the story gives him some qualms in him. Is it good for children? After all, it is the story of a depressed and runaway youth, of someone who was and still is a victim of emotional abuse. Can he really tell the children those horrid things? But maybe he can tell them and just leave out the part where he always hear his parents fight every night, and the part when he was almost tempted to take his own life. 

The man fidgets in his seat and clears his throat, a habit remnant of his former clumsy self. "Okay. What I'm about to tell you is something that happened to me when I was a bit younger..." 

"About how you met the ‘Sleeping Beauty’ upstairs?" Amy asks excitedly. "Like in that show _How I Met Your Mother_?" 

"Yes. But it won't be just about me meeting your uncle. It's also about me being too careless and running away from home. Then having an adventure after." His little audience gasps in more anticipation. He settles himself comfortably in his chair and begins. "I was twenty that time..." 

2 

  
_"You've been acting awful tough lately_   
_Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately_   
_But inside, you're just a little baby, oh."_   


  


Liam Payne was twenty years old that time he ran away from home. It was summer of ‘88, and semester break in the Uni he was attending. When he went home from Uni, he hoped things have changed in his house. He had these thoughts that his parents are finally lowering their expectations from him. He was trying his best in his academics, all right, really trying. He would count the many times he stayed up all night to finish some papers or review for exams. And to tell the truth, he was more than happy to have passing grades. But his parents are not. They don't want him to be contented with a mediocre mark. They want _high_ grades. They constantly nag him to improve himself and push harder. It hurt Liam’s feelings to be honest. He would ask himself, 'Am I not doing my best? Am I not good enough? Am I just plain stupid?' 

It wasn't helping that his brother Niall is almost the definition of perfection. He is older than Niall by only a year, and for that reason he was not safe from comparisons. Niall, the people around him said, was more handsome, more participative in school, friendlier, livelier, and more likeable. Unlike him who is shy and a wallflower. The comparisons drew out all the confidence Liam has in his being. Whatever Liam will do, why, Niall can do it better. When Liam was part of the honor roll in his graduation in elementary, Niall became the valedictorian. When Liam became the second place in an annual essay writing contest, his brother won the best the next year. When their grandma was sick, Liam picked some fresh flowers and he stayed with her that whole night to take care of her. He was complimented as sweet. Then Niall came and prepared a nice meal for her along with other mumbo-jumbo that he claimed he read from some magazine that would make the sick feel better faster. He was told to be the best grandson ever, right in front of Liam’s face. 

That is not to say that Liam is trying. He is contented with what he is and what he can do. He, who has been taught during Sunday schools that taking pleasures in the defeat of someone is almost as bad as swindling and lying, and that humility is the greatest key for a happy life, let Niall take the spotlight and let people talk their talk, even if it would hurt. _Paradise awaits me in the after-life,_ he convinced himself. 

Liam did not harbor any negativity towards Niall. He is convinced that this is not his brother's fault. It's not his fault that he is perfect while he is far from it, that somehow it felt like Niall is the one eating away his confidence. Niall and Liam are close, really. They tell each other's secrets. They love each other greatly. That is until he entered college that he has his doubts. 

He was accepted in a prestigious university as part of a scholarship grant. He was to take a sociology course. His parents were proud of him, his brother was happy for him. He packed his things and his father helped him move in a dormitory inside the campus. _Finally,_ he said to himself that first night away from home, _a new environment. A place where no one knows the name Niall James Payne. A place where no one knows that I am just a shadow of him._ Was it wrong to think that way? Was it selfish? Maybe, and a bit childish. But then, was it also wrong that he is too tired of the comparisons? He didn't think so. 

That half a year he was by himself. When Christmas break came, he went home full of stories about his college life, how fun it is, how tiresome, how worth it. Their attentions were all on him for once. Right before dinner ends, his mother was smiling. She gave Niall a pat on the back and told him, "Well, you're brother was also granted a scholarship, Li. He'll be following you next school year." 

The smile on Liam’s face fell. He fought the urge, but he had to ask. "Can't... Can't he go to other Uni instead?" 

James Sr. cleared his throat. "I don't like your question, Liam." 

His mother, obviously offended, asked, "What's wrong with you?" 

_Because if he goes to the same institute as I am and if he does a very good job which I am sure he will be doing, the two of you will again compare me to him. You will harry me to do my best as he is doing, as if I am not already doing all that I can!_ He wanted to shout to the both of them. But his parents were already giving him that look that he learned ever since childhood meant he's done a mistake and it was all his fault. He kept quiet and looked down to his plate. 

"Bro..." Niall muttered, forgetting the decency that one must not interrupt a parent’s sermon. 

"I'm sorry..." Liam said. 

"Was that what college taught you?" James asked. "To act like you already own the place? And what do you mean Niall should go to another Uni? Just because you got there first means Niall can't go as well. Niall also deserves to be in Princeton. Just imagine the jobs he can get! He is going to be an engineer!" 

The pride in his voice was very obvious. Liam did not speak again. He regretted asking that question. He was so stupid, such an idiot, so selfish. Just because he is struggling in his studies, he can rob Niall off his right to study with him. He felt very ashamed. 

After that dinner, he went straight ahead to his room and cried to himself. While his mother was outside in the kitchen, washing the dishes and muttering why can't her oldest help her with the household chores instead of sulking in his room like a baby, acting all tough and rebellious when he hasn't even proven anything in his life. 

3 

It was so that in next school year Niall entered Liam’s college life. For the first few months, in Liam’s great embarrassment, everything turned out to be okay. Sure Niall turned out to be very studious (and there’s nothing wrong with that), he was always staying up all night, busy with some exercises and assignments and readings, he was always complaining to Liam about inconsiderate professors or free-loader groupmates or unjust grades; but still, there were good sides. Niall always clung to Liam then, asking for good advice, what courses to take, who’s the best professor for what subject. Liam became the knowing one for a change. It felt good. What felt also good was the fact that Niall humored him with the novel he was writing. The little brother delighted him with praises and added insights. He also teased him that he should not forget him when he is finally renowned to be one of the greatest writers in the whole world. 

It did not matter, for example, that with what of few friends Liam had they all went ogling over Niall and they all found him to be really interesting. It did not matter when Taylor and Ed suddenly blurted out that they like Niall more than him ( _they were only teasing, they were laughing when they said that,_ Liam told himself). It did not matter that Niall’s English professor, who was also Liam’s the year before and who called him his ‘most erudite’ and favorite student, suddenly favored the younger Payne and called him the ‘better James’. Liam’s wonderment did not matter, about Niall’s “ability” to be both great at academics and socialization at the same time, where he, Liam, can’t even do well on both, being an introvert and having lackluster luck on acads. It’s a hard pull, but Liam managed to convince himself not to be oversensitive over all these things and telling himself that sometimes life is just like that. 

They are brothers, they bonded, they shared everything, born from the same womb, life interlaced until fate shall decide otherwise. 

  
_“It's okay to say you've got a weak spot_   
_You don't always have to be on top_   
_Better to be hated than loved, loved, loved for what you're not”_   


But everything will have to go downhill. Liam knew that. Every chapter of his life he experiences it. One could say he was almost acquisitive of it so he could immediately get over it and move on. He expected it but wasn’t prepared when it came. 

It started on his third year in Uni, when he slipped up on some major subject and he found out he won’t graduate on time. That subject’s professor was very stern, and Liam does not like her from the very start. The grade he kept to himself. But it was not the first bad news of the day actually and what made him depressed. Earlier that day, he received a letter from a publishing company, a response for the manuscript he and Niall sent two weeks before. They rejected his story. They said the protagonist was too heroic for his own good, the villain had no charisma whatsoever, the climax was cheap, and the ending had no impact. 

What’s funny, and what would earn scowls from many, is the fact that he was more disheartened by the rejection of his novel than the failed grade. Why not? He had spent twelve drafts for that story. 

Then he focused on his academics and he became disconcerted. He did not tell Niall of his failed mark because for sure Niall will instruct him to tell their father about it. And their father… Oh, their father. He would be angry at him again and disappointed at him again and he would compare Niall to him again. Liam did not know if he can take that right then. So he decided to tell them all face to face during the summer break which was in two weeks. 

He went home to their flat, fully defeated but opted to put an act in front of Niall that everything was all right. Though Niall was not at home. There was Cheryl instead sitting on their couch. The girl was one of Niall’s many friends, and of whom Liam was harboring romantic feelings to. Cheryl was tipsy and she giggled loudly when Liam entered the flat. 

“We were drinking while you’re away,” she said and motioned towards the bottles of beer scattered on the floor. 

“Ummm…” Liam said. “Niall?” 

Cheryl made a face, unsure of what was Liam asking. When she got it, she made an ‘o’ face then giggled again. “He went with Ellie back to her place. I think they’re going to have sex,” she said thoughtfully. 

Liam reddened; he did not want to think that way to his brother. And he was sure Niall won’t do that. He is a devout Catholic who was taught by their father, no less, of ‘sex after marriage’. Surely Niall will not disobey their father… 

Then he noticed Cheryl waving frantically at the couch opposite hers. “Come sit. Let’s talk.” 

Liam had second thoughts but awkwardly did so. He sat opposite to her, self-consciously fidgeting in the seat, looking down at his shoes. When he would look up, he would see Cheryl staring expectantly at him, wanting him to start the conversation. Liam couldn’t think of anything to say. 

After a long while, Cheryl sighed. She considered giving the boy a drink to boost his drive to talk, but Niall warned him not to. Instead she asked, “So, what are you doing these days?” 

“I… I write.” 

“Write?” 

“A novel.” 

“What is it about?” 

“Two strangers… meeting one night and deciding to run away together.” 

“Oh. That’s nice. Is it finished?” 

“Yes… sent it to a publishing company… got rejected.” 

“How sad.” 

Liam dismissed it. “I’ll rewrite it again… won’t give up until it’s perfect.” 

The girl giggled. “Wow. If was in your situation, I would have instantly thought that writing is not for me and I’ll give up.” 

Liam thought that that was silly. Who would give up on a dream? 

Cheryl, for her part, told herself that she already made an effort. It should be Liam’s turn to continue the conversation next. 

Liam was just looking around the room, avoiding her gaze. 

The tipsy girl asked frankly, for she was always noticing this about Liam, “You don’t talk much, do you?” 

The boy was not taken aback. He was always asked more often than not the same question with every people he encountered. He laughed shyly. “I guess I just don’t do well with people.” 

“Isn’t that funny? You are taking up sociology, right? Aren’t you supposed to be good at communicating? What irony.” 

Liam laughed at that too, but stopped when he noticed Cheryl was looking at him with spite, and it made his heart drop. 

“You should try making a change, you know. Jesus, don’t you think you are really boring? It puts people off.” 

It was brutally frank and so sudden, Liam looked at her in shock. Immediately Liam examined her. She looked unapologetic and still has spite on her face, but she was drunk, unknowing what she was saying, so Liam willed himself to forgive her. _It’s not her fault. It’s not her fault. It’s mine._

“I have something to do,” Liam croaked. “Write…” 

Cheryl finally smiled. “Your novel?” 

Liam smiled back. He rose from his seat. “Yes.” Then he went to his room, convinced that with Cheryl’s smile means she does not hate him, that she was just being friendly earlier, and her want for conversation and attention was not hurting. 

He locked his room, concentrated on his work, then slept when he got tired. 

4 

  
_“You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable_   
_You are not a robot_   
_You're lovable, so lovable_   
_But you're just troubled”_   


Their first night back at home, at dinner, was when their father asked him that question. 

“You’re going to graduate soon,” James told him almost dreamily. 

Liam took one look at him, and he wanted to beat himself, punch, kick, kill. He hated himself. That one time, one moment, when his father asked him first before Niall how was university life going, when he could have something that his parents would be proud of him. And he ruined it. 

“No, sir,” Liam steadied his stare at his father even though he was shaking. His father’s look was questioning. “I won’t graduate on time… there’s this major subject and I was not able to pass…” 

He stopped speaking. He surrendered to watch his father’s moves. 

James dropped his spoon with a heavy hand. He was looking at Liam very carefully(with spite, with spite). 

His mother was already shaking her head. Then she ran off quickly to the kitchen, not wanting to hear the interrogation that would follow. 

Beside him, Niall’s shocked eyes were fixed at him. “Bro… why didn’t you tell me?” 

“You… failed?” his father asked of him through gritted teeth. 

Liam did not know how to answer that. He nodded. 

“Jesus Christ, Liam! How could you manage to mess this up?!” he shouted. 

“I…” 

“Did you talk to your professor? Maybe there’s still something that could be done.” But James Sr. studied syllogism in high school. He already knew. Thus: _Introverts never ask. Liam is an introvert. So…_

“I don’t think…” 

“YOU DIDN’T EVEN TRY?!” Now, James heaved a heavy sigh. He rubbed at his temples, and continued some time doing that. Liam and Niall stayed to their seats, eyes trained to their father, motionless and holding their breath. From the kitchen, they can hear their mother weeping. 

Finally, his father looked up. He was calm now but his eyes were saying another thing. “What are you doing these days, Liam?” 

“I’m studying really hard, I promise.” 

“Really?” Pause. Another sigh. “What is your plan, then? Tell me honestly, you’re going to be held back for how many more semesters?” 

Liam calculated it in his head. Then said hesitantly, “Two.” 

The man shook his head. 

“It’s only a year, Dad,” Niall jumped in. “Not that big of a deal.” 

“Niall, shut up,” their father hissed. Then at Liam said, “Do you know how hard it is to get money by? I’m old, Liam. I am ready to retire from my work, hoping that in a year you’ll be our man and you’ll be the one to help Niall financially in his studies. And you… what is wrong with you?” 

“I’m sure I can still find work even if I was held back,” Liam defended himself weakly. 

Their father laughed sarcastically. “Oh you think you can find work? Maybe. Maybe not. With your attitude, I think not… what I’m talking about is time, Liam. It’s hard bringing money in here these days what with the expenses. What is your plan?” 

“I’ll find a part-time job,” Liam promised. With just a little emotional support from them, he knew he can do it. 

The man looked at him sadly. “What I envisioned when the two of you started your education is that none of you will be distracted by our lack of income, that none of you will have to work. I wanted both of you to focus solely on your studies.” Liam felt sorry for him there and then. He looked down ashamed to his plate. “But you seemed to have taken that privilege to an impossible extent. You really had to try me, don’t you, Liam? Honestly? I don’t think you can handle having a part-time job. What part-time job, anyway?” When Liam could not answer, he goaded, “At McDonald’s? As a gasoline boy? Pizza delivery guy? Call center agent? Tell me, Liam James.” 

Liam was deficient for a good answer. 

“You can’t do a part-time job. You can’t do it. Look at you. You’re too… I don’t know what you are but I know you can’t… with your attitude.” 

The three stayed like that on their dinner table until their father rose and went upstairs. Niall and Liam stayed put, trying to listen of what was happening above them. Then their mother went out of the kitchen to follow her husband, glaring at Liam as she passed by them. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Niall hissed at him all of a sudden. 

Liam did not respond. He was busying himself willing not to cry like a baby. _Because I don’t want to admit my failures to someone as perfect as you,_ he could have told him but he chose not to. All his bitterness in the world he would keep to himself, because after all, it’s his fault. 

“Liam!” Niall snapped at him again but he did not budge. 

“OH, MY GOD. LIAM!!!” came a thunderous roar from above them. Their father came rambling downstairs with Liam’s backpack in his arms, his wife following behind. His backpack was open, rummaged through, some of his books already falling out. In one of his father’s hands he held a book. 

“My God, Ruth,” he seethed to his wife, his eyes not leaving his son. “We are raising a communist.” He threw the third volume of Das Capital (Liam’s only copy) to the floor. “And this,” he rummaged again through the backpack. “ _How To Be A Writer_? Kafka? Tolstoy? Rizal? Liam, what is this?” 

“I want to be a writer, Dad,” Liam cried. 

In fury, James threw the whole bag away. “How many times do I have to tell you?! You can’t get money out of writing, Liam! No one can survive in writing! Liam, why do you want to throw away your education?” James asked, almost begging. 

And that, that begging made Liam realize that he’s the bad guy, that his delusions are wrong, all he could do is prate, and all he was giving his family is heartache. 

“Why are you doing this to us?” Ruth asked. 

Liam couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up from the table, picked up his backpack on the floor in shame, then rushed pass his parents on the stairs, ignoring their angry cries, to his room, closed it with a slam, locked it, then jumped to his bed. He did not weep, already decided that no man should weep. He should at least have that dignity. 

He lied on his bed, holding his backpack. Amidst the pounding on the door, and the curses and screams behind it, he lied still. They would stop, Liam knew they would, and soon they did. 

“We’ll talk about this tomorrow,” James promised before silence had finally set in. 

Liam closed his eyes then, but he could not sleep. He wanted to and never wake up. The sleep never came. He waited, and waited, until another knock came into the door. 

“Liam?” Niall asked. “Can we talk?” 

He did not want to. 

“Liam.” Another knock. “Please? I won’t leave.” 

Liam finally opened the door and let Niall in. He sat back on his bed while Niall only stood by the door. They regarded each other; annoyance from Niall and nervousness on Liam’s end. 

“What do you want?” Liam asked. 

Niall snickered. “Liam, you’ve just upset our parents.” 

“Niall, please. I don’t want another judgment.” 

“Oh, what do you want me to do? Congratulate you?” his younger brother sarcastically asked. 

“It’s not my fault!” 

“Liam, you failed a subject and did nothing about it. Then you can’t think of an alternative for the problem you’ve caused. Tell me it’s not your fault.” 

Liam snapped angrily, for he was still convinced of his fallacy, “It must be nice being perfect like you.” 

Niall rolled his eyes. “Oh stop with that argument again. Not that. No one said anything about being perfect.” 

“I’m sorry I can’t be perfect like the rest of you!” Liam cried again. 

Niall groaned. “Stop that, okay? Stop your self-pity act. We are not perfect, Liam. We never said we are. You’re just… there’s just really something wrong with you, okay?” 

Liam was speechless. “What did you say?” 

“You’re too laidback and too impulsive. You think everything will come out alright out of your every brash decision. You’re too contented with what’s happening to you. You’re not even aware of what’s happening around you, of what people _really_ think about you. And in the real world, that will not work Liam. That’s poison. Stop being selfish. Open up. Stop living in your own world and start living with us.” 

“But I never said—” 

“Now, tell me you’ve bared everything I’ve said. Because that’s another problem with you. You’re so sensitive to things, paranoid even. You’re scared of the world! Fuck, you’re afraid of judgments and you don’t know what to do if it’s given to you. Have you ever tried really examining how people feel and not think of bad things? Seriously, you’re your own reason for your lack of confidence. Stop blaming us, and stop blaming me.” 

“I’ve never blamed you, Ni…” 

Niall smiled bitterly, mirroring the same bitter smile on James’ face a while ago. Really, he’s the one who’s taken the image of their father. “You do. I know. It’s made me feel bad sometimes about myself to tell the truth.” 

Ashamed again of himself, at fault again. 

Niall tidied up, ready to leave. “But you know what I always think? I think that if you’re really that insecure of me, you could better yourself. But you’re not doing that, do you? I don’t know if that’s contentment or plain laziness. But you should know that the world won’t bow down to you with that attitude.” He studied Liam again. With a cruel smile he asked, “Whatever happened to your ‘masterpiece’ of a novel, anyway?” 

Liam was ready to cry. “It got rejected.” 

The laugh that came after from Niall was hysterical and provoking. “See? See?! It’s the whole world telling you to stop, Liam. I hope you’re satisfied now.” He gave his brother one final look before saying, “You still have time to make it right, Liam. Fix this.” 

When Niall left, all of Liam’s defenses shattered. _Stupid,_ he swayed himself. _He’s right. It’s my fault. I have to fix this; fix my relationship; fix my attitude. My attitude! How? I don’t know how. I know I need to but I don’t know how._

_I have to give up on my dream. I have to study even harder now. I have to apologize to Mom and Dad. I have to find a job._

_But can I really give up on my dream? It’s my dream. It’s what I want to be. I can’t live without writing. I know it’s what I’m meant to be. That is the one thing I am sure in my life._

_So what to do? What to do? I can’t fix my relationship with my family. I can’t graduate on time. I can’t find a job. I can’t stop being so insecure, so paranoid. I am boring, not the better son, grandson, student, not even the better writer. I can’t stop being a failure. I can’t do anything right. Everything is wrong with me. Everything’s my fault._

_I can’t take this anymore. As if I can._

_I will run away then._

In the next moments, Liam’s mind became numb. He did not think. He only did what he thought that moment as the right: packing a little of his things and quietly leaving the house at 2am with no one noticing his departure, the first night of the summer vacation. 

5 

He took a bus going to California. Why? He did not precisely know. But he knew it was the least place his folks where his parents expect him to run away to. And ultimately, because he’s always the one who acts on impulse. 

He sat at the farthest corner of the bus and, being too tired, slept there. 

He woke up on the first rays of sunshine down the road. It’s six in the morning according to his wrist watch. They’re still on their way so he tried to relax and tried to think. In his little imagination, he saw himself settling down in California and never to return to his home. He would have a loving family there unlike his own. He would be a writer, a very accomplished one who would need to hide behind a penname so his family won’t be able to track him and drag him back to that failure world. 

Pleasant dreams but Liam knew that deep down he would come back to that simple old house in St. George. He couldn’t leave his family. Partly because he loves them so much and partly because he has depended to them all his life and he knows he can’t stand up on his own now. And whatever they said about him throwing his education away, that’s not true. Liam loved going to the university. He loves learning new things. And he really wanted to provide for his ageing father and mother. What son wouldn’t want that? 

And by running away like this, he knew he was deepening the cut of their ties. The horror and great heartache when he returns. But is it too much that he wanted a breath of fresh air, unleash all his burden, to forget all of them for a while? If it’s selfishness, Liam was ready to regret it later. He will face them later. 

He was becoming aware of his starving stomach. He didn’t get to pack even just a little food when he left. 

_Oh, well,_ he thought. _I’ll just buy something on the next stopover. No big deal._

Suddenly, a young man who was from the seat five rows from him (who has been watching him unbeknownst to him) came walking to his seat and flopped beside him. 

“Hi,” this young man said with a friendly smile. 

Liam immediately looked down at his feet so he wasn’t able to see what the boy really looked like. “Hi,” he greeted back. He got distracted. _Oh, the man was wearing galoshes during summer. What could he be up to?_

“Where are you heading? I got here from the same station as you. You’ve finally woken up, huh? I didn’t get to sleep. Rocky road, you know.” 

Liam looked to his right where the window was. “California.” 

“What?” 

“I’m going to California.” 

“Really?” he laughed. “I’m going there, too. Funny how the world turns out. My name’s Louis by the way. Louis Tomlinson. I’m going to meet a friend in Redondo Beach.” 

“That’s nice.” 

Louis proceeded to look at him curiously. “You’re not going to tell me your name?” 

“Liam Payne.” He smiled, not meaning it. 

“You’re a bit shy, aren’t you?” Louis observed, intimidating Liam in the process. Louis shrugged it off after a while. “Oh well. Who am I to judge you? What are you going to do in California?” 

Liam wanted to make up a lie, but he couldn’t think of a good one. Louis was waiting for an answer, and Liam did not want to make him impatient so he went straight to the truth, or half of it. “I don’t know…” 

“You don’t know? What?” 

“Just… look around there, I guess. Take a breath of fresh air away from… away from home.” 

From the corners of his eyes he saw the young man smile in amusement. “Problem at home, huh?” When Liam did not answer, he said, “No need to be shy about that. We all get to experience that problem. Why, the other day, my stepdad threatened to divorce my mom again. But he’s a drunkard so we don’t take his words seriously. He’s got no money to divorce my mom, anyway. But still, the hurtful words he utters…” he trailed off. 

When Liam thought silence would be finally bestowed in the bus, Louis started to talk again. “Hey, I’m sorry if I come off as a bit too loud and talkative. But you’re not talking much and I… Well, Harry said being too loud is the one part he does not like about me. That and me having ‘no word filter’. But I can’t help it you know. I’m raised this way. I can’t just duct tape my mouth, can’t I? Discomfort myself for the world’s benefit? Nah.” He began to talk fast. “In case you’re wondering, Harry is the one I am meeting today. He’s just a friend – a colleague – so no dirty thoughts, do you understand? Another friend is going to be with us. It’s not like what Lottie thought it was. We rented a beach house. We’ll stay maybe for a week there. Two? We’ll see. We’ll escape once we saw someone we know from Uni there.” Then, surprising Liam, he groaned loudly. “Jesus, aren’t you really going to say something? Are you really this boring?” 

Liam gawked at the stranger. How pathetic his life is, he thought. Even a new acquaintance could tell how dull he is. 

He croaked with a sad and bitter smile, “Yes. I am this boring. I just don’t do well with people.” 

Louis stared at him through narrowed eyes. “Why do you sound so proud of it, then? That’s not something to be proud of.” 

How do you answer to something like that? 

To Liam’s surprise, again, Louis took a deep breath and asked, “I’m being rude am I? No, don’t answer that. I know I am being rude. Again. I just can’t seem to control what flows out of my mouth. It would be untypical of me to do so but Harry does not like my brashness. But I’ve already told you that. I’m sorry I called you boring. I shouldn’t have done that.” 

“No. Don’t apologize. It’s alright. I know I am boring.” 

The boy barked a laugh. “Stop being proud of that.” 

A man and his wife disembarked at a stop. A seemingly troubled woman replaced them and took over their previous seat. 

“Can I tell you something?” Louis asked, leaning over Liam much too close for his liking. “Because I think you can be trusted with a secret. Can you be trusted with a secret?” 

“Yes,” Liam answered truthfully while shuffling a little away from Louis. In his head, he wondered why Louis would trust a secret to a complete stranger like him, let alone be overtly friendly. If that was part of his no-brain-to-mouth filter problem, then this was getting out of hand. But at least he has the foresight to ask Liam first if he could be trusted. 

“You are? Prove it.” 

“I don’t think you should tell me.” 

“Prove it,” Louis reiterated. 

“Well, there’s this one time a friend confessed something to me, told me that that secret would go to our graves. Then, I don’t know how much time passed after that when she came running and told me she told her secret to her boyfriend and how good coming clean felt. By that time I forgot what even was the secret she told.” 

Louis laughed. “That’s funny. Though I don’t think that counts the same thing as keeping secrets. Maybe you just didn’t care about it and you forgot? Well that would still work for me. Promise me you would never tell anyone.” 

“You don’t have to tell me.” 

“Hush.” He leaned again close to Liam and whispered so low to his ear. “I’m gay. And it’s pretty unfortunate.” Louis bent away to see Liam’s expression. He saw mild shock so he said with a bit of satisfaction and irritation, “I take it you won’t tell anyone?” 

Liam shook his head anxiously. “No. Why would I? There’s no one I can tell that to, anyway. I’m not tweedy… or socially apt. I won’t tell.” 

“Good. Don’t make me regret I’ve told you that.” 

“Why did you tell me that? You don’t know me.” 

Louis shrugged again, giving the idea that what he did is no big deal to him. And maybe, being gay is not a big deal for him. How peculiar. What a strange person. “I take you for the quiet type. Aren’t you?” 

“I am.” They were talking in hushed voices now. It was lucky that the bus was empty save for them and six more passengers which were all in the front rows. 

“Do your parents know?” Liam asked awkwardly, not wanting to ask the question as he does not want to make his new acquaintance uncomfortable, but said new acquaintance appeared to be wanting him to take this new information with great interest and importance as it was for him. 

Louis scoffed. “My stepdad would beat me to pulp if he found out. And Mom already has a lot of problems of her own. I don’t want to bother her. Maybe I’ll tell them when I have a job and has become really successful in life, be their financial support. That way they’ll have no choice but to accept me.” 

Liam just nodded. 

Louis dragged on. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me, okay? Just so you know homosexual men like me have standards too. Sometimes they’re high. And you didn’t reach it. Not that you won’t be able to reach it if you try hard enough but there’s already someone with me.” 

“Harry?” 

Louis punched him lightly in his arm. “So you did think dirty of my relationship with Harry earlier!” 

“I just guessed.” 

Louis glared at him. But for Liam it was friendly, playful, harmless, unlike the glares he always receives from close friends who were meaning their dirty looks. After minutes of talking to this stranger, Liam finally let himself breathe. 

The glare faded away. “Yes. It’s Harry. You must not tell anyone. Or you can forget all these afterwards. Promise me.” 

“I promise.” There sunk in a cosmopolitan feeling in Liam’s chest. A feeling that keeping secrets could be troublesome, maybe even dangerous. He hoped he won’t have anything to do with it in the future. 

“We’re going to get away this summer vacation in Redondo. But we had to bring Zayn along so our plans won’t raise red flags to those who know us. We have to be careful, right? You should stay with us.” 

“No. It’s okay. Thank you anyway.” 

“Why not?” 

“I don’t want to be a bother. And I plan to come home tomorrow. I don’t want to stay away a little longer. My family would hate me.” 

“I can’t argue with that. That’s fine. But you must still stay with us tonight. Where will you sleep, huh? You can’t just get off in California, inhale and exhale California air three times then take the bus home. You need to rest.” 

“Umm…” 

“I’m no murderer. I’m no drug dealer, illegal recruiter, pimp, or whatever you are thinking right now. I’m a college student, as a matter of fact. Fourth year Economics student, Yale. Harry is too. So is Zayn. And we’re pretty decent people, if I may say so myself. We don’t do drugs or anything bad. Zayn does smoke but he’s trying to kick it out. What do you say?” 

“Only one night?” 

“Only one night. Why would we hurt you, or take your money? Harry’s parents own a law firm. You sleep with us, wake up tomorrow morning refreshed then go on your merry way home.” 

Liam finally agreed. 

“Great! You won’t regret it. Learn to relax… Um, what’s your name again?” 

6 

  
_“You've been hanging with the unloved kids_   
_Who you never really liked and you never trusted_   
_But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins”_   


“They’re already here,” Louis stated after examining the anteroom of the inn Liam and he entered along the few beach houses alongside the Redondo Beach. The house was a mess, it reminded Liam of his and Niall’s flat. Niall has not always been tidy, and also the one who wouldn’t want anyone to touch his things else he would forget where he put this paper or that assignment, and so Liam could not clean their flat even if it would always make him feel like he’s living in a trash can, not wanting his brother’s wrath. 

Louis looked around the place for his two friends leaving Liam for a while. He was taking so long, and Liam had to amuse himself by rubbing the sole of his shoe with the stubbles of the worn-out carpet on the floor. It was kinda stupid, Liam admitted. Then he looked out the window. 

The pier, which was on the news last month because of a fire, could be seen from there. And just as Liam was starting to get lost in looking at it, strong afternoon sun above, there were footsteps on the porch. Then the door opened and two young men entered. 

One of them, the taller one with green eyes, immediately stopped upon seeing him. “Who are you?” he asked carefully. The other one merely looked on with indifference. 

“Umm…” 

“How did you get here?” 

“I’m with Louis.” 

That raised more suspicions. Of which kind, there are many. But the green-eyed one certainly did not like his answer. His face became hard, his body rigid. It occurred to Liam that he is not the friendly type. 

“Who are you?” this young man asked again. 

“Harry!” Louis finally returned from one of the rooms. He came running to where they were. 

“Louis William Tomlinson, who is this guy?” Harry demanded of him that made Louis stop his running and keep his arms, which were ready to embrace Harry, to his sides. 

“A stray cat I found on the way here!” Louis perked up. Liam did not know if he like being referred like that but he let Louis continue. “His name is Liam. He was also on his way here, and he doesn’t really have a place to stay so I thought of bringing him along. He’s from Utah.” Then he turned to Liam. “Liam, this is Harry Styles, my ‘dear’ friend. And this is Zayn Malik.” 

Liam was about to extend his hand for a handshake but seeing as both of the newcomers were still watching him warily, the little poise he had left splintered to pieces and he, like Louis earlier, kept his hand to his side. 

“What did he say he wanted to do here in Redondo?” Harry asked slowly. 

Louis took an exaggerated sigh. “Nothing much, really. He said he just wanted a breath of fresh air. He told me he’s got a problem at home and he ran away.” 

Liam did not also think he like Louis telling that to someone. 

“Come on, Harry. We, of all people, know how that feels like. We ought to help him, take him in,” Louis urged his still unconvinced boyfriend. 

Harry studied Liam for a long moment before giving in. “Fine.” 

Louis raised his fists in a triumphant gesture. “Yes. D’you hear that, Liam? You’re staying with us.” He pounded Liam’s back. 

Liam smiled for all of them. “Thank you.” 

“But where would he sleep?” Harry asked. “There are only two rooms.” 

“The couch is okay,” Liam said the same time as Zayn, who was quiet before, suddenly interjected, “He can sleep with me.” 

He exchanged a look with the raven-haired boy before insisting, “Honestly, that’s too much. I can sleep on the couch.” 

“Nonsense,” Harry said. “And where would we sit if we’ll watch TV? You sleep in Zayn’s room. He may look like a brooding serial killer but trust me he’s not.” 

Louis cackled. “Zayn, a ‘brooding serial killer’! That’s a good one, Haz.” 

Liam looked at Zayn with uncertainty. When the other man just returned his confusion with a smirk, he immediately looked to the ground, sure that he was blushing. 

“Well, I’m off to bed now,” Louis said, starting to make his way down the hall. 

“But it’s only three in the afternoon,” Harry said with a frown. 

“I’ve been up since one in the morning, Haz, with no rest. And look, Lottie made me wear these stupid galoshes even though it’s summer! For a stupid dare!” 

“It was nice meeting you Liam,” Harry said, about to follow Louis. “Hope you get a good time with us and… let Zayn take care of you. See you later.” Then off he went to a room where Louis just entered and closed the door with a loud thud. 

Liam stared at where they had left, unsure what to do next. 

“They’re really like that, sometimes,” Zayn said suddenly, stepping close to where Liam was, and much too close to Liam’s liking. Liam argued to himself if he should step back, but thinking that would appear rude, he stayed to his spot. 

“They’re kind of weird,” Zayn said again, this time almost whispering to his ear. 

“That’s alright,” Liam answered. “Maybe they’re… in love?” 

The other man chuckled. “So Louis told you about his little secret?” At Liam’s nod, he continued, “That brat really can’t keep his mouth shut. You better not tell Harry you know about that. I’m not sure he would be enthusiastic if he found out Louis had been spilling their relationship to people, again.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes. He was not too fond of Louis when Lou told me the first time.” 

Liam laughed, conscious that it sounded forced. 

“I’m Zayn.” 

“No. Yes, I remembered. I mean… I don’t mean to… It’s just that earlier Louis already mentioned… I’m Liam.” 

Zayn extended out a hand. “Nice to meet you, Liam.” 

Liam shook the hand and pulled back his awkwardly when Zayn attempted to hold on for a long time. 

“So, Liam? You ran away from home, yeah?” 

“I really don’t want to talk about it right now.” 

Zayn laughed softly. To Liam it sounded like a calliope. “Of course. Not with a stranger. My bad. Anyway, are you tired? Hungry?” 

“A little tired, I guess.” 

He led Liam on by the shoulder. “I’ll take you to our room. Take a nap, as long as you want. I’ll wake you up at dinnertime. Feel at home.” 

Liam did not know if he could. 

7 

  
_“Never committing to anything_   
_You don't pick up the phone when it ring-ring-rings_   
_Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing”_   


Liam was awoken by a soft shake on his shoulder. Blearily, he opened his eyes and saw a concerned face hovering above him. For a split second, he panicked and did not make out the face. But shortly after he recognized him as Zayn. 

“It’s 9pm,” Zayn said. “The boys and I are already eating. You should join us.” 

Again he was led by Zayn to the anteroom where Harry and Louis were sitting in front of the television while eating takeouts. Zayn handed him one and pulled him to sit between him and Louis in the couch. 

“Evening, Li,” Louis said. His eyes were trained to the show in front of them but he glanced at Liam when he asked, “Is it okay if I called you that? I figured that’s your nickname. Is that your nickname?” 

“Yes. How did you know?” 

Louis giggled, not hearing the question. “I just told Harry here that you planned to go home tomorrow. He said you’re crazy.” 

“Damn crazy,” Harry mumbled grudgingly. 

Zayn was frowning at Liam. “Why so soon?” 

“I don’t want my parents to get worried, or get angrier than what I think they are now,” Liam answered miserably. 

“Lame,” Harry mumbled again. “What’s the point of running away if you’re going to go back without even reaching 24 hours?” 

“Be kind,” Zayn snapped at him. The program on the television was starting to be in oblivion as the boys in the room continue their conversation. 

“I say,” Louis was saying, “that you should let your parents, and your brothers, and your sisters, miss you. Wait until they file a missing report and your face is on TV. That’s always fun. Zayn did it two years ago. They didn’t know he was in Harry’s basement the whole time.” 

“Shut up, Lou,” Zayn said. 

Louis laughed. “When he finally showed up to his family, they were in hysterics. They were ready to give whatever Zayn wishes. Then when Zayn revealed where he was hiding – not two blocks away from their house and well-fed by Harry and his parents – they nearly strangled him and Haz. Both their families are not talking up until today.” 

“That’s not funny,” Harry said with a frown. 

“You couldn’t keep your mouth shut, could you?” Zayn muttered angrily. 

“That’s nice,” Liam trailed off as he ate away, becoming unaware of the tension building around him. He was envious of Zayn and what he did. If only he had that courage. “I’ve always dreamed of not coming back to them. But I can’t.” 

The tension mentioned building up earlier melted when the three boys heard that. 

“Why not?” Louis asked. 

“My father is old. And my brother is too young to handle all responsibilities alone. I must go back.” 

Harry rose from his spot then he turned off the TV. Eventually he flopped back down beside Louis and said, “Story time. Liam. Care to share why you ran away?” 

“I don’t think I should tell you,” Liam said in disbelief. “It’s private and all.” _And besides,_ Liam added mentally, _it would be embarrassing to admit that it was all because of me. And what if you sided with them? I can’t handle judgments right now._

“Well, we know the basics,” Louis teased. “It’s something about responsibilities, isn’t it? Don’t worry—” 

“Fuck off, the two of you,” Zayn, Liam thanked God, defended him. “If he doesn’t want to tell us, be it. We have no right to pry.” 

Louis shrugged while Harry jabbered in annoyance. It made Liam feel bad. Maybe he should tell them? After all, they let him stay in their place. It would be ungrateful if he did not give what they wanted. 

But Zayn, it was as if he could read Liam’s mind. He whispered, “You don’t need to tell us just because we let you stay with us. You shouldn’t feel obligated. Don’t mind those two idiots. They’re just always hungry for drama and always looking for someone more miserable than them.” 

“We heard that,” Harry said, rising again from his seat to turn on the television. 

They were all quiet afterwards. But after the show and after they cleaned their food and mess, Louis just tickled Harry in his waist and the room was loud again with laughter. Zayn and Liam watched on from the couch. The former was smiling at the tickle fight; the latter, he was seeing them but his mind was at his house in Utah. What could his family be doing right now? What could they be thinking? 

His reveries were broken when Zayn nudged him. Louis was inviting a game at monopoly. Liam complied and soon the four of them were sitting in the floor at the center of the room. Liam was actually winning (or is that the proper term? Liam had never had any luck and had never finished that game in his lifetime to know how to win), he’s got the most properties and it was Louis’ turn when Harry yawned and announced he was going to sleep. The game ended abruptly by then. 

So Liam was back on Zayn’s room, on his bed with him, with a pillow wedged between him and the raven-haired as division. (Beggars can’t be choosers, right?) If his parents discovered this setup, they would make an outrage. But they weren’t there, and Liam won’t tell them about this anyhow. 

The room was dark, the place was quiet, but Liam couldn’t sleep anymore. He was sure that Zayn was not asleep too. And fearing that the boy would start a conversation with him, he closed his eyes and pretended to sleep. 

It was hard and Liam couldn’t do it. He resorted to lie on his side. 

Then he heard moaning. It was coming from the other room. Vulgar were the sounds, associated only with one activity. 

‘Oh, God,’ Liam thought, instantly reddening. ‘They are having sex.’ 

There was a soft laughter beside him. Liam shifted quickly around and caught Zayn covering his mouth with a hand to muffle his laughter. 

“Are you scandalized?” Zayn asked curiously, even if it gave an impression that for him what they were hearing was just a soggy turn of events, something Zayn was already used to. Maybe it was. 

Liam shook his head. “No. It’s alright. No judgments.” 

“Come on,” Zayn groaned then turned on the bedside lamp. “There’s no harm in admitting you are shocked even by a little. What about me? One time, I was in the room with them when they had sex because they thought I was asleep. I was so shocked, I couldn’t utter a word, and I had to pretend to sleep all the way through.” 

Liam thought about it. “That’s… messed up.” 

Zayn chuckled. “Tell me about it.” 

“W-what happened afterwards?” 

“I couldn’t really remember now.” 

Outside, they could now hear them panting each other’s names. 

“I’m sorry for that,” Zayn said. 

“It’s alright.” 

Zayn was smiling. “Is that all you can think of saying? ‘It’s alright’?” 

“Umm… I can’t think of anything…” 

Silence. Then, “Are you really going to go home tomorrow?” Zayn asked. 

“I should. I think I should.” 

“What if your parents are really, really mad at you?” 

“Better sooner than later. I think they’ll be more mad if I were to show up later.” 

“Aren’t you scared?” 

Liam shrugged. “Scared. But they’re my parents and whatever they’ll say, they have a right to say it. It’s my fault for running away. I shouldn’t have. It’s an impulsive decision.” 

Zayn sighed. After a while it was silent again. 

“You know I actually thanked God when Louis brought you here. Imagine me, having to suffer alone with those two little dink-loving pricks.” 

“I’m sorry,” Liam said rather awkwardly. 

“It’s fine.” Then he turned to face Liam. Liam ducked down. After staring at him for a long while, he smiled then asked, “Can I ask your whole name?” 

“Liam James Payne. And you?” 

“Zayn Jawaad Malik. Where do you live?” 

“In St. George, Utah.” He paused. “You?” 

“Harry and I are from Phoenix, Arizona. Louis’ from St. George, too. How old are you?” 

“Twenty. Twenty-one in the 29th of August. You?” 

“In two months, huh? I just turned 21 last January. How do you like Princeton?” 

That went for some time until they were sure there were no more moans coming from Louis and Harry’s room, and afterwards they went to sleep. 

8 

He woke up at nine in the morning and he cursed himself for waking up so late. As he get his backpack and his things, he was calculating in his head the time it would take for him to get to a nearest bus stop, the time the whole journey would take, the time he would get home. They would be tremendously angry now at him, he was sure of it. Would they even let him cross the threshold? 

The whole house was quiet. He was sure he was alone. _Crap,_ he thought. Should he leave the house unattended? 

It turned out that would be not the case because Zayn was just on the porch, half-lying and half-sitting on a swing, reading Edgar Allan Poe. Before them lies the vast ocean, high winds blowing, handful a people walking by the beach. It was a good day. 

Zayn noticed him walk by the door. “Louis and Harry just left, off to buy supplies for the next few days,” he informed him. “Are you going to leave now? Would you like to wait for them?” 

“I have to go,” Liam muttered. When Zayn gave him a nod, he went for the stairs, took a single step down, then he stopped. He stopped and just stared at the sea in front of him and the edelweiss-like ships beyond. His legs won’t move. He can but he suddenly won’t. 

“Liam?” Zayn was asking behind him. 

He turned to him, and hoarsely said, with all honesty, “I’m not ready.” 

Instead of a scowl he was expecting, there was a knowing smile. He rose and walked to him. “You’re contradicting yourself, Payne.” He gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder. “I doubt you’re ready. You know why? ‘Cause you haven’t had breakfast yet. And you haven’t had your breath of fresh air.” He was looking too at the sea, and Liam was compelled to watch the waters with him. His hand lingered on Liam’s shoulder and though it made Liam a little uncomfortable, he let it stay there. 

Suddenly Zayn was withdrawing his hand away. “You want me to brew you a cup of coffee?” he asked, to which Liam agreed to. 

9 

Another alone time with Zayn, Liam surmised, would be another bout of silly questions. Not that Liam minded. It was actually good that he didn’t have to initiate the conversations. 

As they were sipping their coffees at the breakfast table, Liam’s backpack back to Zayn’s room, Zayn, after contenting himself to just watching the runaway boy, asked again. 

“So what are your interests, Liam? What do you do?” 

“Interests?” Zayn nodded. “I guess I like books. I like to read. Watch movies sometimes. Sometimes I write. How about you?” 

“What do you write?” 

“Oh. Short stories. I just finished a novel. You?” 

“A novel? How nice. What is it about?” 

Liam laughed. “Running away.” 

Zayn laughed at that, as well. “What happened to it? Are you planning to publish it?” 

“It got rejected.” 

“Oh,” Zayn said. “Tragic. Maybe you could write something else?” 

“Don’t plan to. I plan to rewrite it to perfection.” He paused. “How about you… Zayn?” 

Zayn snorted. “There’s nothing much. I’m just all about finishing my degree. I’ll get it by the end of the year then God knows what will happen next. Whatever. I’ll cross the bridge when I get there. Though you can bet your boots I won’t take my mom’s advice. Anything but running our flower shop.” 

“That’s good. I mean about you getting your degree this year,” Liam said carefully. “Lucky you – I mean, good for you. I slipped up on some major subject and I, you know, got pushed back a year and…” 

Zayn was scrutinizing him and Liam felt shamed for bringing that up. _The fuck,_ he thought to himself, _why did I sound too proud of that? He’s judging me right now._

But the boy opposite him smiled again. “You’re kind of shy, aren’t you? A little insecure as a matter of fact. I don’t know why. Take this however you want but you’re quite good-looking.” 

Liam dismissed that easily with a short laugh. “My brother is more handsome.” 

“You’re just saying that,” Zayn teased. 

“No, I’m serious. Everyone thought it was so. They even told me. Anyone telling me I’m handsome, it’s because they haven’t met Niall yet. Then when they finally meet him, they’ll immediately change their mind about me.” Thinking Zayn did not believe him, he quickly fished his billfold from his back pocket. His heart was pounding when he showed the picture of him and Niall to Zayn. “Look. See for yourself.” 

Zayn studied the photograph. It was taken during Liam’s birthday the previous year. “I don’t see it,” Zayn finally said. 

Liam smiled at the proclamation. “You’re just saying that. Come on. Tell the truth. Don’t worry. I won’t be offended. I’m used to that by now.” 

The raven-haired was not looking at the picture anymore, instead frowning at him. Liam put the offending paper back to his wallet, the wallet to his back pocket, in embarrassment. 

“Do you want to talk about something else?” Liam asked lamely. 

“Why? You don’t want us to talk anymore about your ‘handsome’ brother?” Zayn asked back, Liam noted with petulance. 

Liam looked away, out to the window where the beach and the burnt pier were seen. “If that’s what you want to talk about,” he answered in defeat. “It’s okay.” 

Zayn snorted. “We’d rather not. I don’t actually want to talk about someone who I haven’t met yet, even if they’re a member of the Royal Family.” 

“Do you want to meet him? I could arrange—” 

“Stop it, Liam. I don’t want to meet him and I don’t want to talk about him. Where did that idea even birthed from? It’s you I want to talk about.” 

Liam shifted in his seat. “There’s nothing interesting or special about me.” 

“Why are you downing yourself?” 

Before Liam could refute that Louis and Harry were stumbling down the door, large paper bags in both hands. They were laughing when they entered. Upon seeing Liam though, Harry stopped but Louis laughed more. 

“You’re still here?” Harry asked, rather accusingly. 

Zayn answered for Liam. “Yep. I finally convinced him to stay.” 

“That’s good. That’s good,” Louis was saying with a loud laugh. He put down the bags on the breakfast table and patted Liam in the back. “You should also know, Li, that Zayn here hid away from his parents for fourteen months. Imagine that, Li? A year and two months in Harry’s basement.” 

“Louis, I told you we are not talking about that anymore,” Harry warned. 

“What? Why?” Louis asked. To Liam it seemed that the boy was trying to provoke Harry. “It shouldn’t matter now, should it? I don’t care. I don’t care either that you had a romantic session with him when he was in your house.” 

Harry stared at Louis in disbelief. He dropped the paper bags carelessly to the floor, spilling the vegetables and the frozen meats inside it, then said, “Fuck you, Lou.” He walked out and into their room, closing the door with a bang. 

Louis merely scoffed but eventually he followed his boy inside. Behind the closed door, Liam could hear yells and curses. 

Beside him, Zayn heaved a sigh. “I told you I need someone to suffer with me,” he told Liam. “Don’t mind them. They’ll make up soon enough. Make up and make out. Come, let’s sort the groceries. You can pick up the vegetables. I’ll wash them.” 

Liam did as he was told. 

10 

“Do you have a girlfriend?” Zayn asked him at twilight, when they were lazily watching the waves at the beach and the few passersby. Louis and Harry were left inside the house, cuddled together in the sofa while watching _The Last Emperor_. True to Zayn’s words, Louis and Harry did make up after their fight in their room, and Nemesis fell, they kicked out the other two of the house to enjoy their moment together. 

“No. Never had one,” Liam addressed Zayn’s question. 

“A boyfriend?” 

“No.” 

“You’re not homophobic, are you?” 

“I guess not. I don’t think there’s really nothing wrong with being… like that. But my family… we’re Catholics, you know?” 

“Oh.” 

“They always like to quote Leviticus 18…” 

“18:22,” Zayn finished for him. “Yeah, that’s a famous quote, that one. So what do you think they would say should you, you know..?” 

“They’ll be disappointed, I’m sure. But I’m not ready to go in any kind of relationship anyway so I don’t worry about any of that for now. I don’t think I can handle any commitments just yet, knowing how messed up I am. And I’m too sentimental for hook-ups. I’m not really into seeing anyone.” 

Zayn was thoughtful. “You don’t plan on returning home tomorrow, right?” 

“I don’t think I’m ready. Is that alright?” 

“I’m sure it’s fine. Let’s go out tomorrow,” Zayn beamed. “Just a walk by the beach. Away from this house. I want to see the sunrise.” 

Liam laughed, thinking that Zayn was joking. The proposition was too tacky, Liam thought. When he saw Zayn just staring at him, he reddened because, shit, Zayn was serious and he was laughing at him. 

“I’m sorry… Okay. Let’s watch a sunrise tomorrow. Just the two of us?” 

“Yes. Only the two of us. You’re not into nature-watching, are you?” 

He shook his head, then becoming aware that Zayn always like to ask things about him, decided that he would appear to be self-centered if he don’t act like he’s interested too about Zayn. He debated inside himself if he should go ask about the boy’s school, tenement, family, whatever, but he decided that those were too formal and are not good for casual discussions. They’re not even related to what they’re talking about at the moment. So instead he asked: 

“What is it about sunrises that you like?” 

Zayn was baffled by the question. By his expression, Liam thought his question was stupid. But Zayn answered with a shrug. “Nothing. They’re just…nice. Symbolizes a new hope or whatever cheesy shit you can think of. Plus, I heard that watching it with someone you like gets you laid.” 

Liam laughed at the answer. “Where did you get that idea?” 

“From my friends. I want to see if it’s true.” 

“How? You should bring someone you like to find that out, right?” 

At that, Zayn kept his quiet. Liam was waiting for an answer. Zayn only laughed as a response. 

“Zayn, why are you staying with Harry and Louis?” 

“To help them… evade suspicions from others. They’re not trying too hard to hide their relationship and yet there’s no one else who knows about what they are. And Harry said I could be trusted with their secret,” Zayn said the last part with a little hint of pride. 

Liam thought for a moment. “But… didn’t Louis say earlier that you slept with Harry?” 

Zayn stopped. He studied Liam for a long time, making Liam went wild inside his head and making him think – no, realize – that he became too blunt and too stupid and too careless in his questioning. 

But Zayn smiled softly after a while. He stood up. “Let’s go back inside.” 

“I’m sorry,” Liam said much too late. 

“Don’t think about it. It’s not your fault. Come on.” 

11 

Sleep came easier that second night with the strangers. There were no vulgar sounds that came from Louis and Harry’s room and Zayn opted to continue reading his Edgar Allan Poe, giving Liam blissful moments and pumping him up to think of his home, what he was right then, where did he go wrong, and what should he do next. 

He fell slept just as he was about to get to plan for his next moves (pure impossibilities anyway). He was shaken awake by Zayn who pointed to the bedside clock and reminded him of their arranged sunrise-watching. 

No words were exchanged when they left the house, just as there were no words when they were walking by the bay searching for the best spot to wait for the sun. When they did find it, a twenty-minute walk from their place, there were still no words said as they settled on that spot. 

Liam was still rubbing the sleepiness away from his eyes. According to Zayn’s watch they would still have to wait for about fifteen minutes more before sunrise. 

“Are you okay?” Zayn asked suddenly. 

Liam nodded. “Yes.” He yawned. 

“If you’re still drowsy, you can go back. I won’t be mad.” 

He smiled as though the other boy was joking. “What? No. It won’t be long before sunrise. I think it would take much longer time walking back than waiting here. I’ll be fine.” 

So Zayn turned his attention to the horizon, so did Liam. They both waited and watched. They both watched as the sky on the horizon, dark at first, went brighter and brighter by the second, first hinted by yellow, next by orange. 

Liam was mesmerized when he saw the first rays of lights seemingly come out from the depths of the sea. The lights grew brighter, larger and wider, touching the two corners of the horizon, eliminating the darkness and wiping away the remaining stars in the sky. As the ball of light continue to rise, Liam thought of nothing and said nothing but to watch it. 

It was a sight to behold. Liam had actually forgotten how things are in nature. When was the last time he did this? Liam was glad Zayn showed this to him. 

When it was over, Zayn spoke up, “That’s not so bad, was it?” 

“It’s good.” 

Zayn nodded in satisfaction. 

12 

  
_“I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable_   
_I am not a robot_   
_You're lovable, so lovable_   
_But you're just troubled”_   


Zayn was not in the house nor was Louis, Liam found out when he got out of the shower. There was, instead, Harry sitting in the little kitchen alone, concentrated in the Physics book he’s reading. Now Liam was hesitant to approach the boy. Indeed Harry has not been friendly to him during the past few hours they were together. Just as he was about to retreat to Zayn’s room though, Harry noticed him. 

“They were gone boating, Zayn and Louis,” Harry said. 

“Okay.” Liam continued to stand awkwardly, unknowing what to do next. Should he pursue the conversation or get back to their room? 

“When are you going home?” Harry asked suddenly. 

“I don’t know. But maybe this week? I promise I won’t bother you on your whole stay here.” 

Harry merely shrugged. “Up to you. Zayn has taken a liking on you anyway.” 

“Does he?” 

“Yes. And Louis.” 

“Thanks.” 

Harry shot him a glare and dropped his book. “What are you thanking me for?” 

“Nothing. It’s just that… I don’t know how to respond to your… earlier...” Liam sputtered. 

The unfriendly boy turned to his book again. “Well, Zayn always goes for the weird type. Why am I surprised?” 

Nothing more has been said after that. That was the first and last conversation he had with Harry alone, Liam recollects now, maybe until he met him again five years later. Harry ignored him the moments that followed and so Liam went to Zayn’s room and continued reading his own book in the bed. 

When Louis and Zayn came back it was the middle of the day, and it was so in the way that Liam did not like and what would follow would be a series of outcries and mistakes, like a bad prototype of what could have been an understanding between two lovers. 

Louis ran inside the house, excitedly calling for him. Then the boy, followed by a forbidding Zayn and a confused Harry, kicked the door open and slumped to the bed. 

“Liam! Li!” Louis was still full of energy. “Let me see Niall!” 

Liam’s heart dropped. 

“Louis, I said knock it off!” Zayn warned him. 

“Who’s Niall?” Harry asked. 

“Come on, Li!” 

“Liam, you don’t have to,” Zayn told him but Liam was already quietly taking his billfold from his back pocket and showed Louis Liam and Niall’s picture. 

“Holy Jesus,” Louis almost squealed like a girl. “He’s indeed strikingly handsome. Just like what you insisted on Zayn, Liam! Can I meet him?” 

Liam smiled painfully. And yes, he saw this coming, that anyone would just take one look at Niall and immediately they would go for him. And why the hell he is so miserable about it? He should have gotten used to that by now. 

As Liam’s feelings went down by the second, someone’s temper rose until said someone exploded. 

Harry pulled the photograph from Louis’ hand and ripped it to pieces. 

All three boys could do nothing in surprise. They were still speechless when Harry was puffing for breath when the deed was done. 

“Harry, why did you do that?!” Louis exclaimed. “That’s Liam’s picture!” 

Harry said nothing, only glaring at his boyfriend. 

“What’s your problem?!” Louis cried out again. His face becomes crinkly when expressing extreme emotions, Liam noticed, which was right now was exasperation. “That’s Liam’s picture of his brother. How are you going to fix this? Apologize to Li. Now!” 

“The hell with that picture!” Harry shouted. “What, so you can see again how Niall – whatever that asshole’s name is – is so ‘strikingly handsome’?” 

“Guys, not here,” Zayn warned calmly. “If you’re going to fight, don’t get us into it.” 

“Harry,” Louis chided playfully. “I’m just teasing Liam. Calm the shit down, will you?” He took the taller lad into his arms. “You know you’re the only one for me.” 

“That’s not what I’m feeling ever since we got here,” Harry said, giving Liam a death glare over Louis’ shoulder. Liam cowered in the bed. 

Louis pulled himself back from Harry and held him at arm’s length. Seeing his boyfriend staring at Liam, he chuckled. “Liam? I already told him on the bus that he didn’t reach my standards. Right, Li?” 

“Y-yes.” 

“And besides, Zayn said dibs on him. Isn’t that right, Malik?” 

Liam’s eyes widened in disbelief as he saw Zayn nod. The boy did not look at him. 

“See, Harry? You have nothing to worry about Liam,” Louis reassured him. 

Harry was still not calming down. But Liam could see his struggle to be so. He tried taking deep breaths, then he spat out, “You’ll never see Niall, okay, Louis? I won’t allow it.” 

Louis snorted. “You’re so petty. Of course I’m not. I told you I’m just teasing Liam. But now, you owe Li an apology for what you did to his picture.” 

However Harry was just scrutinizing him. 

“I-it’s fine. You don’t need to apologize,” Liam said after a while. 

“He needs to,” Louis pressed on. “Come on, Haz. It’s not that hard to apologize. You know you did something wrong.” 

The bast mat underneath Harry’s feet made a grating sound when he flinched, and Liam smelled trouble again. Louis had said in the bus two days ago of his brain-to-mouth filter problem, and Liam felt he was going to see firsthand what destruction it could make. 

He was right. 

Louis faked a gasp. “I know. How about this? Since Liam will probably go out now with Zayn, and they’re going to hook up a lot, you should teach him how to please Zayn properly. You should know. You’ve done that before.” 

Zayn, and even Liam, gaped at his statement. Harry stepped back from his boyfriend in disgust. His eyes were cloudy with tears. 

“You had to bring that up, hadn’t you?” he asked unkindly. “You just can’t let it go.” 

Louis was mortified by his expression. “What are you talking about? I’m over what you’ve done, Harry.” 

“You keep bringing that up. How many times would I have to apologize?” 

“Seriously, Harry,” Louis grunted. “I told you I forgive you. And I’m over it now. I can even joke about it, right?” 

“That’s no joke. You’re reminding me.” 

“I’m not. Why are you so… Oh, forget it,” he stormed out of the room. 

“Louis William Tomlinson, don’t you dare walk away from me!” Harry followed him into the next room. There, they continued their word fight. Liam and Zayn could still hear them even with both room doors slammed shut. 

“You’re punishing me,” Harry was crying. “Isn’t that why you brought that Liam here in the first place?” 

“Shut up. I’m just helping him. What’s wrong with that?” 

“Do stop asking me what’s wrong and what’s not.” 

“Jesus Christ, Harry. What are you trying to do? Make me look the insensitive bad guy? I took you back, didn’t I? And I befriended Zayn for you!” 

“But you’re still reminding me what I’ve done!” 

“I can’t just forget it all! But I took you back. Can’t we start at that?” Louis surged. 

“But with Liam… and Niall…” 

“Harry, just because you did that to me does not mean I’m going to do that to you. Jesus, if you’re this afraid of karma then you shouldn’t have cheated on me in the first place!” 

Liam was not sure if Harry responded to that. He was positive though that Harry replied, only in a quieter voice which in turn made Louis speak to him quietly. They turned to murmurs. 

There’s nothing else to be done but wait in the room as the silence progressed. Liam looked longingly at the door, wondering what they were up to then. He wanted to ask Zayn’s opinion, maybe even ask him what Louis meant when he said he has dibs on him, but Zayn was sitting by the window, looking outside and positively ignoring Liam. So they stayed like that. 

And in fact they stayed in that room until evening. Harry and Louis, who they thought would have finally made peace with each other, went out of their room to continue their fight on the other parts of the house. And they were loud again. Liam and Zayn couldn’t just move about the house while they squabble, right? 

This time Louis and Harry were onto, odd as it seems, each other’s academic performances. On the other hand, Liam was getting hungry and Zayn was getting bored out of his mind. 

They were still yelling at each other when Zayn finally spoke up. 

“I’m sorry for all of this. What a disaster,” he groaned then jumped beside Liam on the bed. 

“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have shown Niall’s picture.” 

“Don’t beat yourself too much. They always fight anyhow. If they didn’t fight for that picture, they would on another trivial thing later on. I keep trying to figure out why they stay together.” 

“When are they going to stop?” Liam asked as Zayn settled more comfortably in bed. 

“Soon, I hope. Don’t worry; they aren’t going to kill each other.” 

“Are they always like this?” 

“No, actually. There were few little arguments here and there, nothing that would go beyond integuments, but the clashes became bigger and more catastrophic like this after the… you know… that.” 

Liam nodded in understanding. 

Zayn groaned again. “I shouldn’t have told him about Niall. I’m sorry. I was just telling him things you’ve told me about you and he jumped on that.” 

“It’s okay. It’s bound to happen, anyway.” 

The other boy looked at him curiously. “What’s bound to happen?” 

“You know, people getting interested at Niall.” 

At that, Zayn began laughing as if he made a great discovery. It was hysterical, and a bit mad. “Holy God,” he said, still laughing. “Am I getting this correctly? Are you telling me, Liam, that you ran away because of Niall?” 

Liam frowned. “I didn’t say that.” 

“That’s what I’m getting. Let me guess, okay. You are insecure of your brother. Maybe your family was always comparing you to him. And maybe he is this guy that you think can handle responsibilities better than you do, and you can’t take it anymore. You ran away. I’m sorry. It just sounded a little silly.” 

No, Liam did not like how the conversation was going. _That’s not it at all,_ he originally wanted to say. But Zayn’s laughter was getting into him and he snapped, “You don’t have to be so rude.” 

Zayn stopped. “I’m so sorry,” he said. 

And damn it, Zayn’s apologetic face made Liam feel sorry too for doing that to him. “No, it’s fine,” Liam said reassuringly. “You were right. It was silly. That was the reason I left home. I shouldn’t have snapped at you for the truth. I’m sorry.” 

Zayn stopped again. He took a deep breath. “Liam,” he started. “I don’t know how you’re going to take this but I feel like you’re the kind of person who would never prove everybody wrong because you don’t want to make them feel bad about themselves after looking down at you.” 

There’s a little smile playing on Liam’s lips where there shouldn’t be. It felt like a compliment, to be honest. “And?” 

Nemesis fell again. “Liam, you might think that that’s kind of noble but you are going to destroy yourself.” 

The smile was gone in a second. “Well, what can I do?” Liam asked miserably. “That’s just who I am!” 

“It’s not impossible to change that. That’s poison. Have some self-respect for a change.” 

As it has always been in the past, Liam wanted to end a confrontation rapidly even if it barely began. He did not want to fight, especially if it was about him, so he just accepted what Zayn said… accept it only to disregard the advice later in life, as what he always does. 

“You’re right, I should,” he said in a rush. “Thanks. I got that. I think I’ll go home now.” 

Zayn was shaking his head. “You’re not getting it.” 

“No. I get it now. Please. Let’s not talk about it.” 

The other boy was still in disbelief, but eventually gave in. “All right. I was just trying to help, anyway. You’re going home tonight?” He motioned to the commotion outside, where Louis and Harry seemed to be marking the whole house as their battle ground. 

Liam shouldn’t have said that. He’s not ready, but the way Zayn asked it, with so much disdain, as if he wanted him to leave. 

“What do you think? Should I?” 

“It’s all on you.” 

He looked up at Zayn, begging. “I don’t know. Would it be alright if I stay here a little longer?” 

Zayn beamed this time. “Of course.” 

Outside, the lovers were fighting about Harry’s “bitch of a mom.” Then it shifted to Harry’s ungrounded accusation that Louis was a Nazi-sympathizer. Then it went to Louis’ “bullshit pet rabbit.” 

“Don’t you dare bring up Dorotha!” Louis cried. “She’s innocent!” 

“You missed our family dinner just to be with that stupid poop-eating thing!” Harry yelled. 

If Liam was not so concerned for the benefits of the two outside, he would have tried to figure where they are getting their topics. They’re just so not ingratiating at the moment. 

Liam cleared his throat which made Zayn looked up at him. “They’re into it for about five hours now. Shouldn’t we intervene?” 

Zayn dismissed it. “They won’t like it. Can’t you tell? Anyway they’ve exhausted themselves. There’s no real venom in their talk anymore. They’re talking about Dorotha now. Someone, Harry or Louis, would snap first, kiss the other to shut him up, and then apologize. I’ve seen it all before.” 

“You don’t really care much about it, do you?” 

“Just ‘cause I’ve seen it before way too many times. Dorotha is usually the tipping point, or Arizona, or Louis’ high school prom. Those three.” 

And that was more than telling, was it? Just then, there was silence; complete silence that was not broken for five minutes and another five. The fight was finally over. Liam breathed a sigh of relief. 

“One day,” Zayn said dreamily, talking to the ceiling, “when Louis finally forgive and forget what Harry and I had done, and when they both finally realize that all their fights are stupid and childish, they will be good with each other, for each other. And the world will be a better place.” 

“Okay. Umm… Are you hungry? Do you think it’s now safe to go outside and grab some food?” 

Zayn was still dreamy. “I wonder…” he trailed off and did not continue. 

“Do you think they would mind if we check on them?” 

“Liam,” Zayn sat up suddenly. “I wonder, how come you haven’t asked me about what I told Louis earlier? About me getting dibs on you?” 

“I… h-had wanted to a-ask…” Liam stuttered. “E-earlier because… i-it’s not a good time. They were f-fighting and it would be inappropri-p-priate to ask things about me.” 

Zayn smiled in amusement. “Won’t you ask me now?” 

The runaway couldn’t think of anything appropriate to ask about Zayn’s statement. He settled for, “What dibs?” 

Zayn groaned in faux frustration. “You know what,” he said, suppressing his laughter. 

“Well… If that’s what you said… thank you?” 

“The fuck. You’re welcome. There. Anything else?” 

“Why exactly would you claim dibs on me?” 

“Because I guess I kind of like you, even if you’re a little weird.” 

With someone who was not used to hear that from another person, a potential romantic partner, let alone hear that for the first time in his lifetime, Liam put on his defense mechanisms. “But I’m a guy.” 

“So?” 

“The bible said…” 

“Wait, hold the fuck up,” Zayn stopped him. He was becoming annoyed, Liam could see. “I thought you don’t believe in that shitty passage?” 

“I don’t but… there could be a lot of interpretations on that passage, a lot more convincing and probable than what the religious are shoving in our throats… what they say about Leviticus could only be an interpretation but we have no way of knowing what it really meant, right? So people stick to the tradition. ” 

“I can’t believe this.” Liam was looking down at his hands on his lap but he still knew that Zayn was becoming more and more upset. “You think Louis and Harry are going to hell? Do you think they deserve to be in hell?” 

“Yes. But listen to me, Zayn” he called out when the boy made an attempt to leave. “I think _everyone_ of us deserves to be in hell. _Every one_ of us has equal chances of going to either heaven or hell, right? Not just Louis and Harry. You, me, your parents, mine, Niall. We’re all bad, all sinners, too dirty to be in heaven. I’ve always believed that once we accept that we might go to hell, all of us headed for doom, we might… try to be nice with one another, live life fully and peacefully, appreciate life, all that shitty – I mean cheesy – stuffs…” he was whispering by the end of his sentence. He was very embarrassed and he couldn’t look at Zayn. 

He did not expect Zayn, however, to burst into laughter. There were mist in his eyes but he was laughing it off. 

“What?” he asked, a little hurt. 

Zayn reached the side of his face and stroked him there. “I’ve got a free-thinker in my hands. I’ve never thought I could like someone with that wisdom. I mean, I hated my confreres when they do that but you… How did you think any of that?” 

“Growing up… observing the world.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“And there’s David and Jonathan…” 

“Okay? What else?” 

“Umm… when I was twelve, I think, there were a group of bullies in my class. They did not make fun of me, I was always out of their way. One time though, they had this mean prank and they wanted every single one in the school to know. Don’t laugh. They cornered me by the lockers one morning and said, with no warning whatsoever, they just told me, ‘Don’t imagine your mother naked or else you’ll go to hell.’ Of course, I imagined my mother right there and then, that was the whole point of the joke – I told you, don’t laugh! But… but from then on I started to wonder… If I would go to hell for something like that, what makes me think I’m better than other people?” 

Zayn was still stroking his face. “I could kiss you right now.” 

“Please don’t. I mean you could – not that you should but you could – but… I’m inexperienced and I won’t know what to do. I’m not ready. And what if you won’t like it?” 

Zayn chuckled. He abandoned his cheek for his hand. “Not kiss. Then what about we do, you know, the other thing?” 

“That’s only supposed to be after marriage,” Liam said firmly. 

Zayn laughed again. “You’re really a walking contradiction! So, do you believe we’re going to get married?” 

Liam was blushing. He looked away. “I’m not sure my parents would like that.” 

“Give them the speech you’ve had earlier,” Zayn urged. “About all of us headed for damnation.” 

“They have different views on that matter. I respect them, though I won’t follow them. I respect the traditions until I find a concrete way to disapprove them.” 

There were stars in Zayn’s eyes. “By God, I really like you.” 

It was easy for Liam to admit that it was very nice hearing that. It made him more vulnerable but, damn, he liked it. 

13 

Another night has gone by. (Another quahog dinner actually). In the morning the four of them went for a swim. Looking back now, Liam wondered why those three waited that long to go swimming in the beach. Maybe they were waiting for Liam to leave first, Liam thought. But then, and this was really the reason that Liam managed to think of later, Louis and Harry imagined they wouldn’t have fun with Zayn towing along. It was a bad idea to bring him in the first place, but they had to bring someone and test the waters. It was a blessing that Louis found Liam. 

If that thought made Liam a little proud of himself, it did not matter as he quickly dismissed it. He does not want to think himself as that important. 

After a half-day swim, they all went back to that little house, cleaned themselves, then continued their game on monopoly. It was queer having to feel at home with three guys whom last week he didn’t even know existed. But he really liked to be with them at the moment. Though he was still his quiet, ‘boring’ self, he felt like (hoping that) the three other boys were becoming okay with that. He did not want to go back home anymore. 

The talk about Zayn’s apparent ‘feelings’ for him, however, was the one thing he wanted to avoid. He was still not ready to let anybody in into his personal life. He did not want to get hurt should Zayn realize that he is not good enough. And look at Zayn. He is handsome, confident and sure of himself. What would someone like that want to do with someone like him? 

14 

  
_“Can you teach me how to feel real?_   
_Can you turn my power off_   
_And let the drum beat drop?”_   


Zayn and he had a serious talk again in the fourth night. It was the last night he was with them as that talk gave him courage to face the troubles he made in Utah. 

With few people in the beach, the four saw no harm on relaxing by the porch after dinner. Louis and Harry saw no harm on being giddy and touchy with each other. They even kissed and do that cheesy thing where two lovers chase each other by the beach like that on TV. Liam and Zayn laughed at them as they watched on. 

“Stupid assholes,” Zayn said mirthfully. His arm was touching Liam’s knee in the swing where they sat. Liam let it. He liked the feeling of closeness. “What should we call them, Li? Tweedledum and Tweedledee? Or flotsam and jetsam?” 

“Peter Pan and Wendy,” Liam suggested which made Zayn laugh loudly. Liam liked his laugh. 

“But it’s getting late,” Zayn said again after taking a peek at his wristwatch. 

“Do you want to go to bed?” Liam asked. 

Zayn thought about it then shrugged his shoulders. “Not really. But usually if I were to stay this late, it’s because I’m drinking beer, not watching a live soap opera.” 

“Oh.” 

“Do you drink, Liam?” Zayn asked curiously. 

“No,” he answered with also a shake of his head for emphasis. 

“Thought so. You’re obviously not the type.” 

“Okay. Thanks.” 

Zayn shrugged again. “Louis! Harry!” 

The two were so far off the beach, they didn’t hear Zayn’s call. 

“Louis told me you smoke,” Liam said casually. 

“Yeah. But I’m trying to kick it out. My ex-girlfriend thought smoking was sexy so, you know, it’s my little way of forgetting her. Louis! Harry!” 

Finally, the call caught the lovers’ attention. They started for the house. 

Zayn turned to Liam. “Would it be fine if me and the lads go for a drink? Would you be alright alone? I mean, I could invite you but I don’t want to be a bad influence, so…” 

“No, it’s alright,” Liam said immediately. “I’ll be fine.” But in his head he was thinking what time the three will go home. And what if they go home really drunk and they did something bad to him? He has heard of tales of tragedies because of alcohol one too many in his lifetime. 

“Great,” Zayn said with a smile. _He looked good,_ Liam decided, _while his hair is ruffling leeward and he smiles like that._

“What the fuck do you want, Malik?” Louis asked when they reach the porch. 

Not too far off the distance, Liam saw a group of young adults going their way. 

“I just asked Liam if it was okay for us to go for a drink,” Zayn explained. 

“Good God,” Harry said. “I’ve been dying for a beer ever since we got in here. Maybe Lou will finally have the courage to blow me under water once he’s drunk.” 

Liam inspected the group and he was becoming more certain that they were indeed heading to this very house as they draw nearer. 

“What? I can do that right now even when I’m sober,” Louis exclaimed. “Is Liam coming with us?” 

“No,” Zayn answered. 

“That’s fine. Alcohol is bad for you, Li. Don’t emulate us. You don’t want to suffer from bad decisions in your life.” He and Harry exchanged a look and giggled. 

Zayn went inside to get his money leaving for a moment Liam who stayed quiet and Harry and Louis who were still smiling at each other. 

“Okay, let’s go,” Zayn announced when he returned. 

Harry and Louis were still lost in each other’s fond gaze. It was a staring contest. 

Louis was laughing. “Okay.” 

“You heard that, Lou. It’s time to go,” Harry said. 

But the staring contest was still on. 

Zayn groaned. “Stupid lovebirds.” 

To think that the other night they were arguing about Zayn and Dorotha. That was the first time Liam ever truly witnessed someone lost in another’s gaze. Not from television or imagination. Here, in front of him. If that was not fate, or love, or whatever shit it is, Liam did not know. All he knew was that he was greatly, terribly, envious of them. 

Then he noticed that the unknown group was already there, (he counted there were ten) and a girl from them perked up, “I told you it was Harry and Louis!” effectively ending the staring session. 

“Danielle?” Louis asked in confusion. 

The girl – Danielle – ran to Louis’ arms. “Lou! I’ve missed you!” 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Harry asked. 

Another girl ran up to Zayn while a bloke answered Harry’s question. 

“Taking a break, Harry. Who does not want to go to a beach on summer?” The rest of their group snickered. 

“Fuck off, Cal.” The girl with Zayn was embracing him, kissing him. Liam was seeing it at the corner of his eyes. His heart was racing. 

“Whoever thought that you’ll also be here in Redondo?” Danielle giggled in Louis’ ears. “I thought you said you’ll stay home this summer, Lou? I even planned to visit you in Utah.” 

It seemed that Louis had enough. He extracted himself from Danielle’s grip and went to Harry’s side. “Change of plans. Harry told me he rented a place here and—” 

“Wait,” Danielle interrupted, putting her hands on her waist. “When did Harry invite you? I’ve already told you about my California getaway ever since February! Did you think that the fire would stop me from going to Redondo?” 

Louis and Harry did not answer. 

The girl scoffed. “You’re lucky I’m not discriminatory. Otherwise I might have thought that you’re secret gay lovers.” 

Harry hung his head. 

“You’re not. Are you?” 

“We’re going to get a drink,” Zayn announced, saving his two friends. 

“Seriously? That’s what we’re also planning before Danielle spotted Louis.” Another boy said. “Let’s head down to the pub together.” 

“Who’s that creepy dude sitting right there?” Then another boy asked, pointing at Liam. Liam decided right then, because he was cruel and sadistic at times (no need to deny), that if he were to decimate that group, that boy who pointed at him would be the unlucky dead. 

“Don’t call him that, Shawn!” Harry snapped at him. “He’s my cousin!” 

“Styles, please relax,” Shawn said. “Didn’t mean anything by that. Also didn’t know you have a cousin. What’s his name?” 

Liam opened his mouth but he was beginning to stutter. 

“He’s Liam Payne,” Zayn answered, patting Liam’s back. 

The girl in Zayn’s arms giggled. “Does he know how to talk?” 

“I-I can,” Liam croaked, looking away from all of them. 

Zayn cleared his throat. “Everyone, this is Liam. He studies in Princeton. Liam, that’s Danielle,” he began pointing, “Shawn, Calvin—” 

“Oh, don’t bother introducing us. I’m sure this is the last time we see each other anyway,” an unnamed girl groaned. 

Zayn shook his head. He motioned to the girl beside him. “And this is Gigi. We’re… we’re dating.” 

Gigi held out a hand towards Liam. “Nice to meet you, Liam.” 

_She’s nice,_ Liam decided. They shook hands. 

“Do forgive them Liam,” Gigi was saying. “Even I wonder why am I friends with them.” 

“Can we go now? I want to get wasted!” the unnamed girl exclaimed again. 

“Is Liam coming with us?” Calvin asked. “Are you coming with us, Liam?” 

He shook his head the same time Louis said, “Unlike us, he wants to take good care of his body. Maybe if you too do that, Cal, you’ll have a higher chance of getting a girl.” 

“What kind of a college student does not drink?” another unknown guy asked in disbelief. 

“The good ones, you malfunctioning-howitzer-retard,” Louis answered. “Fucking shit, let’s just go.” 

Zayn chanced a look at him. “Will you be alright, Liam?” 

“Yes. I’ve told you earlier. Just go, I’ll be fine.” 

They all start to leave. 

“We’ll come back earlier than you expect,” Zayn told him before he turned his back and joined the group, his arm around Gigi’s waist. 

Liam watched them leave. He watched as Danielle desperately clung to Louis while the boy pushed her gently away. He saw Harry, looking over his shoulder to him, giving him a concerned look. Liam waved his hand at Harry to show him he’s alright. He watched their retreating backs. Then they were gone in the night. 

Liam stayed in his seat even when they’re long, long gone and the whole world seemed asleep. He loved the sweet breeze when it kissed his cheeks. He liked watching the ships on the horizon. He loved the silence. He wanted to feel the misery of being alone. Oh, how he loved pitying himself. Why not? It seemed to be the only possible thing left for him. 

That’s right. What just happened was the main reason he has to go back. Louis, Harry, and Zayn, they have a life apart from him. How ridiculous it all was when he was so eager to build his life around them. Only a stupid guy like him does that. 

And Zayn. It was a smart move, Liam praised himself. It’s well and good that he did not let Zayn in. It’s good that he did not trust Zayn when he said he likes him (even if he liked the sound of it. And to think he was counting the things he liked about him earlier). As if Zayn Malik. Liam will look even more stupid and defeated than he was now. Gigi is beautiful and nice. Liam wondered where and when could he find someone like her. 

Finally, Liam rose from his seat. He must leave immediately. He debated whether he should just leave in the morning when his three housemates has returned so he could say his goodbye but if they were too drunk to hear his farewell, there was no point in waiting. There would also be no point if they come home and went straight to sleep. He’ll leave now and he would just leave a note. That’s it. 

It’s not really that he wanted to go home because he was ready to ask for his family’s forgiveness. No. He wanted to go home because he cannot stay here any longer. Just imagine. All of his three housemates’ other friends are going to be there. They would all have fun and dandy, all that kind of stuff. And they would leave Liam alone. They could try to befriend Liam but Liam was not sure if he could trust a lot of new faces all at once. They could try but soon they would tire because Liam has decided ever since he first laid his eyes on them that he would not trust them. He was judgmental in his own little way. He would be a wallflower if he stayed (he was already a wallflower in Princeton and in Utah, thank you very much). Very soon they would wish he would just go away. Liam would give them that right there and then. 

He retrieved his backpack from Zayn’s room (his comfortable camp – and Zayn his bivouac – for the last couple of days) and quietly closed the door. He had run out of clean clothes yesterday and he was still wearing Zayn’s shirt. He would just drop it off at Yale when he had the money someday. 

He took a pen and a piece of paper on top of the refrigerator, and in the dimness of the kitchen, he began to write: 

_Louis, Harry, Zayn_

_I have decided to go home. I have thoroughly enjoyed my stay here. Thank you for the time and hospitality._

_PS. I still got your t-shirt, Zayn. I’ll just drop it off at Yale whenever I can._

A little mediocre farewell but well, Liam can’t do anything about it. He wanted to write like those tear-jerker farewell letters on TV but it only works if both parties has touched each other’s lives deeply, and Liam was sure he did not do that to Zayn and the others. 

He left the note on the table. Still feeling defeated, he decided to leave the door ajar for the return of his short term friends. He was on the door, taking the look of the house one last time. Then he turned around and, shoot, Zayn was there on the porch behind him, looking at him in askance. 

He was caught. So much for escaping through the night. 

“Where are you going?” Zayn asked, almost as if in disbelief on what he was seeing. 

“Umm…” 

“Are you going home now without even telling us?” 

“No. I just planned to walk by the beach.” 

“With your things?” And so much for coup de grace. 

Liam couldn’t think of any excuse anymore. Shit, the other boy smelled of alcohol. Liam was in so much shit. 

“You’re really going without telling us.” Zayn was sure of that now. 

“Umm… I left a note on the table?” 

Zayn groaned. “How is that different from escaping? How would that make me feel better?” 

Liam straightened up. “I’m sorry. But I really have to go. My family must be worried. And… I’ll just return your tee in Yale. Or do you want me to deliver it in your house? What’s your address? Oh. Do you want to have it now? It’s fine. I could just reuse my dirty clothe.” 

Zayn’s anger was becoming more evident. He took a grip of Liam’s left wrist. “We need to talk.” 

He pulled away. “Later. Promise. I’ll stay here. You go back to your friends. I don’t want you to miss your fun because of me. It’s all good. I’ll stay here until morning.” 

But it did not convince Zayn. It seemed to infuriate him more. He took Liam’s wrist again and pulled him inside the house. He let go of him when they were in the foyer. 

Liam couldn’t look Zayn in his eyes. “Sorry,” he murmured. 

“Stop apologizing,” Zayn said. He looked both sad and angry at the same time. “Liam. Is this about Gigi?” 

“No,” Liam automatically said. “It’s not. I just need to go home.” 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was seeing someone. But it’s not exclusive. Both Gigi and I know that it’s not going to last. We are—” 

Liam laughed. “Why are you explaining? You know you don’t need to. It’s not like something is going to happen between us. We’ve only just met. And what have I got against her? She’s perfect. You shouldn’t end your relationship with her. You’ll be a fool if you sacrifice her for me and I need to go home.” 

Zayn kept quiet. Then he took a step towards Liam. “What do you want me to do, Liam?” 

“Nothing.” 

“Liam.” Fuck. Liam had had it the way Zayn calls his name. Begging, demanding, teasing, asking, apologizing. He didn’t know what to think. He wanted to run away from him, to the beach maybe, or high mountains, or secluded forests, gumbo hills, wild prairies, crowded cities, anywhere away from Zayn’s call. 

“Well, what do you want to do? Whatever. It’s fine.” He snapped but with no venom. 

Zayn took it as a challenge. He took steps toward the nervous boy and threatened, “‘Whatever’? What if I said I want to tie you up in bed so you wouldn’t leave us? Would that be fine?” 

Liam didn’t skip a beat. “No. And that is kidnapping. That could get you behind bars.” 

“Then what do you want me to do?” 

“I don’t even know what you are asking me right now,” Liam whimpered. “I’m sorry I planned to escape from the three of you. I’m sorry, okay? Please let’s stop this.” 

“Why do you even want to leave us in the first place?” Zayn growled. 

“What does it matter if I do?” Liam retorted. “You won’t need me then. You have your friends. They’re fun to be with, I’m sure. What am I really? I’ll just be out of place.” 

“I don’t know. Why don’t you broaden your world a little bit?” Zayn sarcastically remarked. “Or what? You’re scared that they might find you boring and they’ll immediately ask for your brother instead?” 

_That’s unfair,_ Liam thought in shock, unable to speak. _That’s unfair. That’s unfair._

He trusted Zayn with that guilt, that shameless tale of insecurity that has eaten Liam whole even back when he was young. Because he thought Zayn would understand that sometimes one person cannot overcome insecurities even if it would take a lifetime. He ran away too, didn’t he? But now, he was using Liam’s reason as a weapon against him. How unfair. 

He wanted to shout, ‘That’s not true!’ but that would make him a liar. He wanted to blurt out, ‘So?’ but that would make him proud, and no one wants someone who is conceited of his own faults. He wanted to get back to Zayn, sassily remark, ‘As if you’re any better. You slept with Harry behind Louis’ back!’ and that would hurt Zayn and he did not want to hurt someone just because he was hurting. They taught that in Sunday schools. 

So again he kept all his probable responses to himself. Because he was a weakling counted out of the land of the strong. 

“Liam?” Zayn was asking. “Say something. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say all that.” 

Liam shook his head and smiled tiredly at the boy. “It’s fine.” 

Zayn took him by the arms, wanting to look directly at his eyes. Remembering Zayn’s threat that he would tie him up in bed, Liam pulled away, quivering. Zayn hung his head, ashamed. 

“I just don’t want us to separate ways like this,” Zayn whispered. “What if we don’t meet again? You’re so elusive and I’m afraid you’ll forget us after this.” 

_No,_ Liam countered in his head. _I won’t._

“I can’t just forget you easily, Liam.” 

_You’re just saying that. You don’t know how time and memory lapse._

“Your eyes, they’re so sad. You are sad. It worries me because no one should live like that. It’s a shame, because I know there are a lot of interesting things about you; your dreams, your way of thinking…” 

Liam was shaking his head. “Don’t worry. I lived like this for twenty years. I can live like this for twenty more, or even longer. You don’t have to pity me…” 

“Fucking shit, Liam! Why do you think that everyone only allots only two emotions for you: pity and hatred? You don’t even trust yourself that someone could like you. I like you, okay? But you’re making it very hard. You don’t open up to me. You’re not even willing to trust me! You make me feel like I’m not good enough to break your walls. It’s so frustrating, is what it is. What’s wrong with you?” 

Again with that question. 

Liam was beginning to get tired. He sat down on the couch, hands resting on both knees and just studied the tiled floor. Very soon he knew Zayn would be exhausted too and leave him be. 

But Zayn stayed, looking down on him at first, before walking over and kneeling in front of him so he could finally see his eyes. 

“Liam…” 

“Niall and I are very close, Zayn. You should know that. There was a time, in elementary, when I was the better one. I got the praises for the best posters, best essays, best home works. And I loved telling him all about those, the praises and the good grades. And I loved when he listens to me. He was so awed. His eyes would twinkle, and he was like a prairie dog, greedy for more stories of accomplishments of his brother. Maybe he got inspired by those. Because afterwards he also did well. Not in arts and English per se, but more in Science and Math, subjects that I was not really interested in.” 

“Liam, you don’t have to tell me these things…” 

“I want to.” He resumed. “Anyway, me… you could say that those best posters and best essays, I never put an effort to those. Drawing and writing are mere hobbies to me, you see. It’s great to be rewarded for the things that are inane to you, things that you have natural talent for. But suddenly, Niall tried a hand on those things – _my_ things. And he’s practicing really hard and putting so much effort, and he’s getting recognized in school, and then I feel threatened on my field. Suddenly I have a competition.” He took a deep breath. “But even when I was still young, I already have this belief that even though competition will improve your work, it will destroy your integrity, it will destroy how you view the things you love. I don’t want to mar arts and literature for that. So I gave way to Niall, and I decided to improve my writings in my own pace. That’s one of the many things wrong with me.” 

Zayn began to protest but Liam cut him off. “My father. He’s always said before that I being the eldest should give chance to the younger ones; they are my responsibility. He also told me that a man should always respect his parents, abide the Christian law, take that scholarship to Princeton, and so on. I always get my advices from Dad. He told me what to do with my life. What’s funny is, when he told me that and I do what I want, basically things for myself, he got mad. When I do what he’s told but mess it up, he got mad. When I ask him how I should exactly do it, he got mad. He would say that I should have known by then how as a man, but he would tell me anyway, step by step. He said don’t be pressured by Niall’s many accomplishments, then he would tell me to do good like him. Many times he would ask me if I’m not ashamed of myself that Niall turned to be a better person than me. 

“I want to be a writer. It was just a pipe dream but I fully resolved to make it into a reality when I entered Uni and I met Franz Kafka. When I first heard of his tale, my first thoughts were, ‘How bizarre! Someone has lived before almost like me!’ Maybe I was romanticizing it too much. I mean, I don’t have an abusive father, I am still a student, and I have yet to have any relationships. But romanticize it I did. I am also as bookish as him, full of self-hatred like he had, felt ashamed of myself, alienated by my academic works, and Dad also don’t want me to be a writer. But you must understand that I was still inspired to be one. Here was someone who was a deemed failure who had victory even after his death, when possibly he had no knowledge that he is now considered a great writer. I am still inspired by that, Zayn. 

“So one day, I told Taylor about my discovery of Kafka. I remembered that day clearly. I told her a day before our exam, in her green stucco apartment. And… I really consider her a trusted friend, you see. She’s closest to me and she’s sisterly. I meant only to make her see that my purpose in life is reaffirmed. I just want her to be happy for me. Maybe even support me. I have always been looking for someone who wants to see my writings. So I said, not exactly as it is but more to the effect of, ‘You know, I don’t think academics are for me. I want to write. I don’t want to end up like Kafka, who did not finish his literary works.’ 

“Then, as quickly as I said them, my shame elevated to a whole new level. She was glaring at me, right when I said academics is not for me. She was full of hate. She snapped, ‘Are you hearing yourself? Are you really proud of that? Don’t you realize that many teenagers out there want the education you are having right now? Then you’re ready to give that up for a stupid selfish dream? We are not in the 19th century, Liam. That worked with Kafka or many others that time but not for you, Liam. We are in a different time. There’s television nowadays. You’re not even half as good as he is. And aren’t you ashamed of your parents? They are working hard for you.’ 

“And like many others before you, she asked me what is wrong with me.” Finally he took deep a breath, calming himself so that the angry tears that were threatening to fall down from his eyes won’t. “Tell me now, now that you’ve heard. What do you think wrong’s with me, Zayn?” 

Zayn was taking deep breaths as well, his eyes were becoming misty. He held firmly on Liam’s clasped hands. “Maybe you’re just listening too much on what the others are saying.” 

“And?” Liam was hanging on every word. “What more? Tell me so I can improve myself.” 

“Dammit.” Zayn stood up so he was looking down again on him. “I can’t. Clearly telling you how to ‘improve’ will only make you sadder. There’s no point.” 

_Please don’t give up on me,_ Liam thought as he pleadingly looked up at the boy before him. _Don’t. I can change. Just tell me how exactly to do it. Maybe then I will be perfect for you._

“Liam, I…” Zayn searched for words. “I don’t know how to fix you.” 

_That’s it. It’s done._

“You can’t,” Liam replied with a wistful smile. His heart was aching, as if a bullet kept ricocheting in there. “You can’t fix me. No one can. I’m too broken now. And,” he croaked, “And I’m sure if Louis heard that he would frown. Because I shouldn’t be proud of that.” He sobbed. He cried like a child. 

Zayn was patting his head carefully. “I’m sorry…” he was saying. “This shouldn’t have happened…” 

“It’s fine… I’m fine,” he moaned. “It’s not your fault… Mine…” 

He felt Zayn was with him suddenly on the couch. His head was suddenly buried on Zayn’s chest while his whole frame was enclosed by the other man’s arms. Zayn was quiet the whole time, maybe thinking what the right words to say. He embraced Liam tighter. 

After what seemed like centuries, when Liam was reduced to only hiccups, Zayn pulled away at arm’s length to inspect him. His face was radiating with tenderness, it hurt Liam. His hand joined Liam’s in wiping the latter’s tears away on his face. When his vision was becoming clearer, he saw that Zayn had been crying too. 

“I’m sor—” 

“Shh… Don’t, Liam. I’m fine,” Zayn reassured. 

“All this mess—” Liam began to say when Zayn kissed him on the side of his mouth. How strange. That was the first time someone did that to Liam. He didn’t know how to feel. 

“Do you know what I am thinking?” Zayn asked, stroking the sides of his face. “About you? The real, honest truth?” 

Liam was scared. “What?” 

Zayn smiled. It was like the sunrise. “That you are a man out of your time.” 

He didn’t know why, but that sounded like the sweetest, most sincere compliment of all that’s ever been said to him. He began to weep again. 

“And,” Zayn continued after placing another kiss on his forehead, “I really would like it if you let me read one of your writings.” 

Liam nodded vehemently. “Thank you. Thank you so much.” 

For the first time since he could remember, he was usurped by a great need and it was he who embraced someone. He was all too glad when Zayn embraced him back. And the feeling of usurpation was gone. It felt like that is where he belongs. 

15 Louis and Harry returned at four in the morning, if Liam remembered correctly. They were laughing when they returned, obviously drunk, screaming obscenities, their confessions of love to each other, and crying loudly (dramatically to heaven, Liam thought) for a succoring angel, an aid that would assist them when they come out to their respective parents. Then they slammed their door very loudly after another bout of laughter. 

Liam was in Zayn’s room, dozing off. He was sure Zayn was sleeping beside him. But when he was fully woken up at the break of dawn, Zayn was gone. It did not matter, Liam was still going home. 

Again he picked up his bag. Before he went outside he checked his eyes in the mirror in the bathroom. They were swollen. It did not matter; he could still rest in the bus. 

He went in the porch, and just as he expected, Zayn was there sitting in the porch swing, reading his Edgar Allan Poe. 

Zayn looked up and he smiled. 

“I’m going home,” Liam said. 

“Okay,” the boy replied. 

Liam looked around him. He watched the waves and the early morning joggers with content. Then he said truthfully, “I’m not ready.” 

At the corner of his eyes he saw Zayn shrugged. “No one ever is.” 

“I’m scared.” 

“You have a right to be.” 

Finally Liam went down the porch. He went side of it to start his journey, then stopped again and turned to Zayn. 

Zayn stood up and walked over to the railing. He looked down at Liam with affection. 

“I hope someday we meet again,” Zayn said. 

It was Liam who shrugged this time. “I do too. Maybe then I have changed and have become a better person and we can be together,” he said hopefully. He was blushing when he said that, and he had to look away to the scraggly trees up the highway to avoid Zayn’s reaction. 

“Liam,” Zayn called. Liam looked at him. He was shaking his head fondly. “You are already good for me.” He reached out his hand and patted his head. “You know, for what it’s all worth, you are a stronger person than I thought.” 

Liam gave him his parting and genuine smile and went on his way. He has gone a few blocks when he remembered something. He turned again to the house in a run. Zayn was watching him, laughing. 

“What is it?” Zayn asked mirthfully and returned to the railings. 

“I forgot to ask you…” Liam panted “…why you ran away two years ago?” 

Zayn was thoughtful. “Well… Dad forbade me to go to Brookings with my friends. He threatened to cut off my allowance if I insisted.” 

Liam could not believe it. He asked in disbelief, “That’s it?” 

Zayn laughed. “Yes. That’s it.” 

“That’s… stupid.” But Liam was starting to laugh too. 

“I know. I know. I was a brat back then. To tell you the truth, I did run away because of that, but I stayed too long in Harry’s basement because I was ashamed of myself that I ran away for that stupid reason. I believed I couldn’t show myself back to them. You should have seen the local news. ‘Boy disappeared from home after parents disallowed him to go to a friend’s birthday.’ It was really embarrassing of me, what I did.” 

After good moments of laughing, they both turned serious again. 

Liam shifted on his feet. “Zayn?” 

“Hmm?” 

“If we do see each other again, would you promise that you will still… like… me?” he looked up at Zayn hopefully. “I mean not in a romantic way but—” 

“Let’s find out. Let’s find each other again someday.” 

At that, Liam finally left. There were no writhers in him that day. He took a bus to Utah. He was still scared to face his family but mostly on that journey home, he was just contented about everything. 

16 

Liam looks around his young audience. _Too young,_ he thinks. But that’s okay. To those young minds the world is still black and white and simple. They can’t still fathom what Liam’s reasons and logic are but hopefully in the future they would, and they would understand. Maybe they could even get something from it. 

“Then what happened?” Amy asks, wide-eyed. “Did you see Zayn again?” 

“Stupid!” Daniel tells her. 

“Daniel, don’t you dare call your sister stupid or I will break your neck,” Ellie calls from the kitchen. She too has been listening to her brother-in-law’s story. 

“Let’s just pick up where we left off, if that’s alright,” Liam tells the children. He continues: “I was in St. George by late in the afternoon. I was down walking on our street. All of my calm when I was on the road was quickly going away. I was starting to panic. But I resolved to go on anyway. There’s no turning back. I braced myself and got prepared for whatever awaits me at home. 

“I was not expecting Niall to be sitting on our porch, crouched on his knees by the steps. I was stopped by that scene, and I quickly hid behind a tree in front of our yard. I watched him for a moment from there, to see what he’s doing. He seemed impatient, and frazzled, he’s looking around, as if waiting for someone. He was crying. One look and I knew he had been restless for days. I stepped out behind the tree and showed myself to him. 

“I called his name, starting to walk over slowly to our house. 

“He stopped crying then. He looked at me as if he couldn’t believe I was there. I was also not expecting him to run quickly to me and meet me with a tight embrace. He was crying on my shoulder. I’ve told you before that in all cases I am not used to hold someone, even my family. But in that moment, I gave in. With hesitance I put my arms around him and hugged him back. You could say that I was bewildered. I was thinking, ‘why would he want to hug me? Why was he waiting for me like that? Shouldn’t he be angry?’ 

“Then Niall pulled back and quickly gave me a kiss on both cheeks. ‘Where have you been?’ he half-shouted. He was in hysterics. Before I could answer, he was already pulling me inside the house. ‘Mom! Dad! He’s back! My brother’s back!’ he announced happily. 

“Our parents met us in the kitchen. They both looked at me as though they were deer caught in the spotlight. My misty eyes also made them shimmer in my view. But I stopped myself before a tear could fall out. I looked at them, and they appeared to be ten years older. They were just staring at me as if they were not sure I was real, and it felt like forever before they snapped out of it. 

“They didn’t embrace me like Niall did. Their faces only tightened and I was sure that they were not too happy upon my return, until I saw my mom fidgeting where she stood. Then I knew she was inching to kiss me, too, but she was afraid of Dad. 

“I began to speak, to begin my apologies, when Dad interrupted. ‘You look tired. You should rest first. We’ll talk later on.’ Then he left the room and my mom jumped to tend me. 

“We did have that talk. I apologized for running away and that was it. They never asked me what happened to me on the last few days, only knew that I was in California. They did not bother me by asking what was I thinking when I ran; they only told me that they hoped that I’ve learned my lessons and not to do that again. I apologized for the nth time but they said I should repent by studying. Not much has been said after. And what I did was never discussed in the future; the topic was avoided like a plague. 

“We could end right there and skip to the part that lead us here. But there’s one more thing I have to say about Niall. When a new semester began, I just knew he took it upon himself to survey me and guide me in my studies. He even went as far as ditching his friends to study with me when I have an examination coming. I never had a heart for studying for grades, so I was never satisfied even if I have high scores in exams. My arrogance and his good intentions clashed terribly. When he caught me giving final touches to the 13th draft of my first novel which I planned to submit that week, he lost it. We had an unpleasant discussion. He begged of me, ‘I would let you be a writer – write anything you want – if you finished your degree.’ Then he gave me the same argument that I’ve heard over and over again, ‘There is no future in writing. You’ll only be miserable.’ 

“My grudge against him deepened, you see. He was lucky I don’t have any counter-arguments for him, the world agrees with him. I can’t contest the world’s view. So I held on to that draft, and I held on to a furnished 14th one, then to a 15th. A year passed. When Niall thought I would march that year, I failed another subject again. He was really mad. You must remember that I never meant any of that to happen. I really did try, because I really wanted to get that degree and have his permission to write, even if it was downgrading for me. Still he yelled at me again. I countered that after failure comes success (I couldn’t think of anything better that time). He said that would be true if failure comes only once, but for someone like me who was failing again and again, that is a different story. I was insulted. And because of my grudge, I mailed my 19th draft the next day. The response came two weeks later. They said they liked my work and they would publish it with minor revisions. To say I was overjoyed was an understatement. I was excited. I even cried. Finally, a good thing was borne out of the many failures. I was thinking, _They should have trusted me. They should have trusted me._ Though that moment was also a little sad. Niall was just in the next room, and I can’t even share my joy to him for obvious reasons. For that I reflected what Niall has done to me all these years. I believed I saw things for what it is. 

“Niall was fully aware that he was talented and smart and all the things I could never be. And he was fully aware that I was insecure of him. I have become a failure in the eyes of our spectators because of him. He knew that. He didn’t believe them because he had high regards for me. However, when he saw that I was really becoming a failure, he felt bad of himself, like the bad guy when he didn’t really do anything wrong. He doesn’t want me to be a disappointment because of him. He doesn’t want, when time comes, that I blame him for what would tragically happen to me. So he tried to lend a hand; he wanted to heave me up to his level and I could restart from there. Then he found out that it was no use because I was still falling down, he started to get pressured. Then he found out that I would not cooperate, and he was ready to give up. 

“If only I knew that before then, I could have told him that he shouldn’t have wasted time on me. If I fail in life because I did the things I love, I would enjoy the fall. It wouldn’t be a failure after all. 

“I could have told him that he should focus on himself, on the things he wants to do. Because no matter what happens I won’t give up on my dream. I won’t stop until I pursue greatness. I could have told him to focus on his own goal, to give up his dream on me because I can hold on my own. He deserved that. He deserved better. 

“I didn’t get my degree. I didn’t return to Uni when the next semester came. Partly because I was really tired of the pressure, and partly because my first novel was already in the local bookstores. It has become the talk of the town. My second book was underway. I was busy writing then another book. I want to tell you these with deep humility but sometimes one has to come off somewhat proud to get the message across. From my check, I rented an apartment in Pierre (another place where they least expect me to be), bought a new computer, and some other things. I was happy with the money, but it was not for it that I write. I am writing for myself. I was contented with living a simple life and continually proving that I have a place in literature. I sent the rest of the money to my parents who banished me from our home. Yes, they banished me. It was a punishment I embraced with open arms. I knew I deserve that sentence. 

“I didn’t know if they are happy for me. I could probably write a thousand well-received books and they won’t still talk to me. That is the hardest part. It’s hard to advise the youth to follow their dreams if it would break their parents’ hearts. Nothing is as painful as seeing your father and mother broken hearted because you didn’t take heed of what they know is good for you. It’s painful that they will realize that all their advices, sermons, flanking, lessons, all of those were not for the best. I don’t want them to feel that, because their advices helped me too. It’s sad that we’ve never reached an understanding. 

“From my apartment in Pierre, I always called them, even write. I never got a response. I told them my address but it was five months later when I received a visit from any of them in Sioux. It was Niall, of course. Like the time I ran away, we’ve avoided discussing my current state of banishment. His graduation ceremony was next week, he wanted me to come. He told me about our parents; how dad curses every time I sent money through Cousin Billie, how he exclaimed that I am an arrogant, no-good son and how he would die first before he accepted my money, and could I shove them down my throat. Niall told me about our prudent mom and how she opened an account to save my gifts behind her husband’s back. ‘Dad is very strong for his age,’ Niall said. ‘But Mom reasoned that one can never know. What you give us would serve as emergency funds. You would never have guessed how many times we are in an emergency.’ He smiled sheepishly. I felt a little happy about that. I’ve told you. No son would not want to provide for his ageing parents. 

“That afternoon, I finally told Niall what happened in that summer of 1988. He’s the first one I told that to. He’s a good audience, always had been. It made me think of when we were young, when I was his storyteller and he’s my faithful listener. Niall and I watched a film afterwards that day. And in the evening we had our first drink of beer, as two grown men. 

“Your father is the most caring man that I know,” Liam tells Amy and Daniel. “He’s the best engineer out there. He’s smart, wise, and… I am not really exaggerating in my youth when I lamented that he’s perfect.” 

Amy giggles. “I love Papa!” 

“Where is he anyway?” Daniel asks. “Why isn’t he here yet?” 

Ellie answers. “They are in a hotel right now. If the storm continues like this they will have to spend the night there. Your dad and your grandparents will be here tomorrow then.” 

“Zayn! What about Zayn?” Darcy asks while raising her hand and waving it gracefully, lithely, like a good dancing pupil. “Did you meet him again?” 

Liam smiles. “Yes. I was in Yale for a conference in 1993. I was invited for a talk with the students. He was a professor there when we met again after five years. I was on stage, going over the part of basic political writing, when I noticed him watching at the back of the hall. Before I knew it everyone in the hall was laughing because I was obviously smitten by their handsome Linguistics professor. We had coffee after the talk. He reconnected me with Harry, then an art curator, and Louis, a banker. I’ve learned that those insufferable two got married in France right after they graduated. The three of them are still best friends. It was easy for Harry and Louis to accept me in their circle. And Zayn… I don’t know how or why, but he swore he still likes me, nothing changed. It required large efforts from both of us to make our relationship work.” 

Amy smiles knowingly. “Then you met Uncle Zee, and you married him instead because he’s so much better.” 

Dan groans. “Uncle Zee is Zayn, stupid! Z stands for Zayn!” 

“Daniel James Payne, if you call your sister stupid one more time, I will clout you!” Ellie warns. 

Liam watches his nephew and nieces bicker. Alexis (Cousin Billie’s daughter) and Amy start to call Dan names. Darcy (Louis and Harry’s adopted daughter – both of whom are still at work and won’t be back until evening before they could take her home to their house just next door) is playing quietly with her dolls. Beverly visits Ellie and the fridge in the kitchen. The two oldest boys, Michael and William, Zayn’s godsons, leave the room to play chess. They are all preoccupied now. The story is done. 

Chuckling, Liam makes his way upstairs but pauses so when he sees Zayn sitting at the top of the staircase, appearing to have been listening the whole time. 

“I thought you are sleeping,” Liam says and joins his husband there. 

“I woke up when the power was cut off,” Zayn answers. 

“And you were just sitting here the whole time?” 

Zayn simply explains, “I heard the children’s request. You might not tell them anything if you see I was there. And you might leave out the best parts of our story if you see I was listening.” 

Liam blushes. “And what do you think? Do you think I was cheesy… or exaggerated or… bad? Did I keep it interesting… or did I tethered or was it dull?” 

His husband pats his back and kisses him. “Trust me. You’ve done well.” 

He gratefully rests his head on Zayn’s shoulder. His worries fade away for a moment, worries of meeting again his mom and dad, after all these years, tonight or tomorrow depending on the weather. He closes his eyes. 

“I’m scared,” Liam confesses. 

He doesn’t have to say what for. Zayn knows. He is his better half. 

“Everybody would be.” 

Liam opens his eyes and exchange looks with Zayn. Suddenly he’s lost in his gaze. He dips his head down and kisses him. It was only as of late that he learned it is okay (more than okay) if he initiated the kiss. He has many more things to learn. He’s still growing. 

The wind outside is getting stronger. But Liam does not care for that too much at the moment. He had faced far stronger storms before. 

_“Guess what? I'm not a robot.”_

THE END


End file.
